Really?!? This is an F-ing gang. Any three black or brown people in the general vicinity of one another are classified as a gang, and here you have an organization of individuals with affirmative membership, jumping in process (boxing matches??) actively engaged in drug sales and sexual assault. WHERE IS THE GANG…

Nick Offerman is my spirit animal.

33. Doesn’t whine

I have done my one good deed for the year. I AM DRUNK WITH POWER.

Maybe America should rethink it’s obsession with a creepy cult of overbreeders who have so many children that the youngest are raised by their siblings instead of their parents, they basically have to repeat names, and they brainwash them all into a sexually-repressive shame cycle?

I have to explain to her that it’s not alchemy or magic that transmutes peppercorns into pepper

Lakes are well known for attacking unsuspecting people, who are just driving around, minding their own business. You don’t have that kind of problem with ponds or rivers so much, but, damn, those lakes’ll get ya.

The last one. Help.

He lost his hair, that’s about it. Otherwise he looks like he did 15 years ago.

*cheers* Fuck you, Blaire.

Tracked down his wife and told her everything.

after getting dumped in high school, i came home in tears and announced that i was going to slash his tires. i dramatically asked my mom where the box cutter was and she gave me a big hug and said “no, sweetie. what you want is a hammer and a screw driver.”

YES

I cannot believe this post contains a reference to eXistenZ . That's my favorite movie that goes absolutely wrong. Can we just talk about everything that goes wrong in that movie that still, somehow, make it more awesome?

I have three cats. I love them dearly, but I will never have more than 2 again. The litter situation is out of control.

Pulling out your credit card is a great way to find out if you want to see the guy again. If he expresses discomfort at a woman paying, then you know you don’t have to waste your time on a second date.

They named their child with a name! Not a fruit name! Hooray!

She’s right, though. I sprung fully-grown from my father’s forehead at about age 25. #Athena

Re: dry lips. Try going cold turkey on the lip balm. I've read that they put stuff in them which makes them dry out (once the initial 'mmm-smooth'-ness has worn off), and maybe that's a crazy conspiracy story but I have never had as dry lips as when I started using a particularly nice Nivea lipbalm. Eventually I just…

I know right? The Wire is a great show but I don't think a TV show has left me feeling more emotionally devastated. Season 4 was the worst for me. So many feels.