So ignorance of the law and lack of intent doesn’t excuse a crime. Sex requires consent. Informed, conscious, and ongoing consent. The definition of consent is NOT didn’t fight. He never got consent. In fact, she both verbally and non-verbally demonstrated that she did not want to have sex. That he ignored her…

I mean when do we start saying that a man looking at a woman’s breasts is considered rape?

All drunk drivers are potential killers. This is an attitude totally embraced by our society and people who aren’t considered crazy.
Most drunk drivers don’t intend to kill people.
Not having murderous intent doesn’t make it not a homicide though. (Legally it may get classed differently - e.g. as manslaughter instead of…

You were raped. I’ve been with a girl who didn’t respond as I made advances so I stopped, we discussed it and I didn’t try it again. I don’t know to read women, I’m basically vegetable when it comes to body language comprehension but a girl acting totally cold isn’t body language so much as a blaring siren any guy who…

Ignorance is bliss for those who rape. Is that it?

All men who ignore the verbal and physical signs of uncomfort and non-consent of their partners are rapists. All men are not. Intent to rape has nothing to do with the end result. Stop shaping this into a storyof misandry.

Why should anyone thoughtfully engage with someone who thinks that we are advocating for a world in which looking equals rape? You clearly have a misogynistic agenda and want to live in a world where only the most violent and “stranger danger” acts are considered rape. Maybe you should ask yourself why you are so…

Active consent is a legal requirement in some jurisdictions, just not in the US.

As a man, I feel utterly unable to comment on this situation - nobody has ever tried to rape me, or made unwelcome physical advances on me (well, a drunk girl, but she was so ineffective I don’t take it seriously) - but I might be able connect two dots, which may be useful to somebody, so I feel it’s my duty to put it…

Holy shit. That was one of the most thought provoking, gripping and - I’m not smart enough to come up with the right word here. I must say that I am so impressed by your sharing of this and man, what a question. All I can say, as a father to a teenage girl, that men are the worst. And I am far from an apologist for…

Aliya, thanks for sharing. This is a truly beautiful piece and a great snapshot to why relations between men and women, with respect to dating/romance, are so broken. To change things, its going to take educating women and men to be clear about their boundaries but also educating both parties to respect them.

I would highly disagree. There are tons of women who have lived through very abusive households where the answer to “What will happen if I say no?” is 1. physical abuse 2. emotional abuse 3. neglect (parent says if you want to be that way, then no food/love/etc.). The answer is very rarely “What will happen is you…

This is what I’ve told myself, as well as many, many other women who have had this experience: The default answer to the question of whether someone else has the right to touch you is no. Unless you have given consent, they do not have consent by virtue of your lack of a verbal no. And especially in cases like this,…

And this right here is why I hate the “rapey or nah?” debate around the song Baby It’s Cold Outside every fucking Christmas season.

My practice, which I will teach to my son: the moment she says “no,” sex is off the table for the evening. That means you don’t ask again in five minutes, or fifty minutes. Sex will not happen, so if that’s all you’re there for, do both of you a favor and go home.

The other thing about this kind of encounter and why it is personally important for men to really think about consent in a serious and critical way is that Dave will never know if he raped you.

I’d say yes. It like others have said, sexual coercion. Did I spell that right? Looks wrong.

Yes, that was rape. You said no, he didn’t respect it. That makes it rape. The things you are saying to yourself are natural, valid emotional responses to the situation, and you’re not wrong for doubting yourself—I think it’s a form of emotional defense, a way of partitioning off the experience from the concept you…

Seems like a pretty good example of why consent needs to also be assent.