I know exactly how Andrew Luck feels. I mean, I don’t have a degree from Stanford or a bunch of athletic ability or millions of dollars or a super-high IQ. But I have been booed by people in Indianapolis. And my boss does a lot of drugs.

“Everybody wishes they could be healthy all the time,” said Tom Brady. “It is a contact sport and he’s certainly had his fair share of injuries, so guys retire at different times. I’m sure Luck’s choice of retiring now in the height of nightshade season is coincidental. Maybe he’s just dehydrated.”

Andrew Luck 2012: *Takes a sack* Great job, man. Insane hustle. You really got me.

Andrew Luck 2019: You even just look at the ceiling and wish you could stop existing? Like, not die, but just POOF and cease being altogether. Maybe it’s nothing but motionless, soundless black. Complete emptiness. Nothingness. But it’s…

Andrew Luck’s retirement will only increase the primal urgency of Football Men to find True Football Believers to play football, so that they don’t ever question their faith in it.

Man. He got hit in the head so repetitively his son went crazy.

I didn't want to star this, but you are really twisting my arm.

“Depends. Is she pregnant?”

Good thing he wasn't caught with heroin. Horse collars are really dangerous and heavily penalized.

To be fair, randomly experimenting on soldiers is a proven method for creating superheroes. 

I feel like the only thing you got right was counting to three successfully.

“I for one would like it if people stopped thinking about my safety.”

Yeah its so boring which is why I remember exactly how she looked, what she said, what she was wearing, how she tasted, how she felt... but I was terribly bored the entire time. It’s definitely not the only time I almost had sex.

Also I went to Harvard and she was totally impressed with that. I didn’t bring it up, she…

I think a “chunkier Reese Witherspoon” is called a Reese’s Witherspoon.

Deadspin is not your personal erotica site!

Trevor Bauer isn’t mad he got traded to a non-contender. He finds the whole thing funny, and is actually laughing at how angry you seem to be.

Listen, fun is fun, but if you’re going to interrupt your kid’s summer league game do it in the time honored and respectable fashion...get into a drunken argument with the official, before taking a few swings at random parents trying to separate the two of you, then storm off to your car screaming, “I’m sorry, I…

That’s acute joke.

I saw the Dayton Triangles play when I was a youngster. I have to say that I found their offense rather obtuse.

So they were cursed because they didn’t play on some ancient burial grounds?

YOU LIKE THAT MEDIUM OR MEDIUM RARE?!