Might as well try to teach your dog Esperanto.

My exhaustive list of places where I am 100% confident I will find a changing station in the men's room:

Our youngest was soothed by that year's album of the it-came-out-too-soon-to-make-it-all-the-way-to-summer, Random Access Memories. These days, if we sing or play anything other than a song from one of her favorite Disney movies, she will say "mommy" or "daddy" (as applicable) repeatedly and with incredible urgency…

True fact: baby shit is a fucking delight compared to baby barf. "Spit up," they call it. They are fucking shithead liars. Actual spit from a baby is about one-tenth as offensive as slobber from a dog that's been in your family for a decade: technically gross when you step back and think about it, but we're fucking…

Yeah, that's just what chocolate has been needing this whole time: a nice leisurely marinade in some Scope. You people have fucking damaged taste buds.

Still think the NFL should use Los Angeles as a football Berlin and host all the Thursday Night Games there. The city would get double the games of every other NFL city while avoiding the headaches of having a team (like future city-hopping threats), and the NFL can establish a weirdly egalitarian but nonetheless…

March 26, 1993. Mase drops 30 (with 16 rebounds) on a pretty mediocre Lakers team. I was there. I was at that game. Maybe ten rows deep behind the hoop. Easily the single best game-day experience of my life, not only because the Garden in those days was infectiously optimistic, but it was Mase getting it and then…

Amy Schumer can do no wrong. Even when she's wrong, reality adjusts itself such that she wasn't wrong at all. She should go on Jeopardy just to ruin the lives of nerds everywhere. I am one of those nerds. I need this to happen.

Only one neutral cardigan? I don't want to live in such a world.

That is the kind of flimsy bullshit argument that I'd make about the ethics of eating bacon. But this motherfucker? This motherfucker right here? Get the motherfucking fuck out of here. I cannot begin to start to remotely conceptualize a quantum of the conflict the mother of a child conceived as a result of rape must…

Fun fact, huh. Is that how it was phrased in the fan club newsletter?

"Yes," he says loudly for his supervisor and boss to hear him, "I certainly am doing work in the latter half of the day and not just playing quizzes on Sporcle or anything [furious din of keyboard clacking]."

[praise hands emoji]

It's an exciting time for American women's tennis for sure, in terms of both promise from the younger American players and Queen Serena still absolutely crushing it (in an extremely literal sense; the only more impressive-beyond-their-peers shot than Serena's two-handed backhand is Stan Wawrinka's one-handed backhand,…

I've been to Indian Wells a couple of times now, and still find it impossible to believe that the incredible vitriol reserved for Serena Williams (which can almost always be overheard from somebody nearby) has absolutely nothing to do with race. Even when the question of her longevity and dominance comes up—which it…

I share both your approximate geography and your overall incredulity. And the dad thing (two under two, one under one (yes I can confirm that I have done sex)). As a non-native of this whole Southland area, it absolutely boggles the fucking mind to see how many people are so dismissive of basic tenets of modern…

Every single time, I love this dude more and more.

Robobaby

You make good points. I, on the other hand, am a snarky worthless shithead. I hope you can forgive me for this, my fourth biggest flaw—and, sadly, best attribute :/

St. Louis probably should have a team