I have a witness—honestly! I do!—to my solving a long-ass Wheel of Fortune puzzle with zero letters (the answer was Secretary-General of the United Nations). It's rendered not nearly as impressive when a.) the puzzle gave you the hyphen, b.) it was New York Week or whatever the hell they call it, and c.) I did it on…

Some A+ #notallhuskers right there

"Also at the top of the list [...] Tom Hanks"

My highly sciencetific research, mostly done in #tcot conversations, shows that 63.7% of people that claim to hate fruitcake have literally never eaten fruitcake once in their lives. "Ugh, fruitcake," they say, with literally no conception of what it actually tastes like. "It's just so... [subtly shakes head] bad." An…

"But what if paternity isn't affirmatively known?" asks a reasonable person.

I have a one-year-old daughter. I have now seen Frozen infinity times. After reading your comment, all the songs echo in my skull, a furious din of Broadway-ready tunes growing ever-louder, ever-more cacophonic, endlessly, ceaselessly; silent, then, lie my thoughts and hopes and dreams, undone by [squints to read cue…

Not unlike the remora, I obtain precious empty carbohydrates cast off by higher-order pizza predators. Drew and others like him are central to our larger pizza ecosystem.

A likely story.

Based on anticipated age differences alone, third cousin twice removed has a very good chance of being creepy independent of blood relation.

Step one: opened endurance test.

"A waffle jacket? [twists back and forth in chair in an effort to access his wallet]"

Correction: alleged serial rapist Bill Cosby

There's a not-insignificant difference between the Lakers and the other we-saw-they-would-stink teams in the league. That's what makes them particularly hilarious, whereas the 76ers are just sorta there.

Linsistential ennui.

I am a heaping shitpile of man that has worked in the out-of-doors and skilled trades, and consequently, adopting a.) beard, b.) flannel, and c.) unkempt hair made me look slightly less like a sentient Play-Doh ball. Because I am poor and lazy and also very lazy and extremely lazy and poor, this "look" has continued…

It kinda, uh, cures the sad, in a way.

It's the equivalent of $250,000 a year full-time. So there's that.

Please please watch the video before posting. Please.

A likely story.