And yet my book "Smash The Patriarchy Into 150 Types Of Guacamole" hasn't even gotten optioned. Hah-RUMPH.

Read my book, called "Zero Fucks to Give About Retrograde Bullshit."

Wow, that reminds me of my upcoming book 900 Dirty Socks Picked Up Off The Floor and Dining Room Chairs Are You Kidding Me Why Are They On The Chair That Is Gross, Kevin.

You people need to visit my blog: 1,000 Ironed Dress Shirts. It is just pictures of the 1,000 times I've ironed my husband's shirts.

What the actual screaming disjointed fuck is happening here, and can someone please make it stop.

I read "The Hunger Games Author Insisted the Cat be Racist in Catching Fire"

We're just mad because you guys are so much better at spinning dreidels than we are.

Oh just SAY IT SARAH. It's THE JEWS who are ruining Christmas, right?? It's Joseph Scroogeberg and his dreidel-spinnin', Jesus-killin' comrades!

If you want to convince everyone you wrote your own book, it seems like it'd be counterproductive to go on TV and remind everyone that you can't speak your native language.

She opens her mouth, and words come out and yet all I can hear is "'No duh' is a product of fear!"

This modern-day Scrooge—lets call him "Joe McScrooge" for short

OMG remember 2008 #neverforget

Sarah Palin, a human angry telephone call from an apoplectic aunt whose opinion you long ago stopped valuing...

my dog turns into a limp biscuit when we put clothes on him, then he plots our death.

No it's really fucked up. Especially the part where he acts like sexual assault is potentially a good thing that could be used for his own gratification. Awesome. I am normally a very patient and peaceful person, but this dude makes me want to break things.

Praise Freud.

Part of me tho, would be SO tempted. Can you imagine hiring him for some incredibly liberal wedding? Or or or hiring him for a gay wedding but not telling him that til day of? God, I'd consider throwing a faux wedding designed to hit every single one of his buttons, if I lived closer...

I assume he wants a hot, obedient, non-feminist, brain-dead heiress.

If his date is supposed to be the kind of woman that knows her station and stays at home to cook and clean, how is she supposed to have money to pay for their date? So confused.