I worked in an upscale department store and they had levels of in-house credit cards. So imagine if Macy’s had many levels of Macy’s cards. (Maybe they do.) The top level was for the families of senior executives and they got a huge discount. Whenever anyone whipped out one of those cards everyone stood up a little…

Ever have someone order Zin and then be shocked when you bring them red wine?

It’s the sheer laziness of the attempted conning that gets me. I picture Paul Newman and Robert Redford in their The Sting costumes crossing their arms and glaring, muttering about kids today.

I’ve always hated the “I’ll get you fired” response. I told a woman once that if a person like her could get me fired, then the job wasn’t worth keeping.

“going to be randomly blurting out “KAZOOOOOS!” for the rest of the day.”

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

Only one time did I have someone sit through an entire movie and then ask for their money back. It was the Scooby Doo movie sequel. The fucking sequel. This woman comes in, goes to the box office, and asks “How is the Scooby Doo sequel?” Not a single solitary one of us had actually watched it, in spite of it being…

It’s along the lines of the old joke, “The food here is terrible!” “Yes, and the portions are so small!”

“According to his children, the dad’s last words were- and I’m paraphrasing here, your Honor- “I want to see a manager, those grills marks look crunchy and I’m allergic to crunchy.”

I hope he gets eaten by alligators while being filmed by Fox and no one intervenes to help him because we wouldn’t want the alligator to feel any sort of guilt later.

Does it really solve the problem if we take the life of this tumor? Let's not compound a tragedy, the tumor stays. I'm not pretending this is easy.

Starred based on the title alone. Will read fully when I’m not at work. I’m so fucking SICK of hearing these on-the-fence, tapioca-pudding-chest-cavity-filled motherfuckers going “Well at least Trump is honest. It’s SO different.” OR “Hey, at least he’s speaking the truth.”

While no scientific studies have clearly shown a link between vaccines and autism, I’m definitely seeing one between Scientology and anti-vaxxer lunacy.

I had to deal with the Entourage trailer before watching Ex Machina. At the end of the trailer someone said Ugh, and the whole audience started laughing. It was awesome.

So, still "Sex and the City, for Men" then?

Our alumni threatened to withdraw support because we had to many gay men in our fraternity, and we wanted to do a Drag Show fundraiser.

If we want to get rid of this, I suggest that we rename the PATRIOT ACT the National Operational Protective Endorsement Necessary In Securing Engaging Security Act or, to abbreviate, the NOPENISES ACT.