My mom is a raging alcoholic, has been since I was about ten. There is a wealth of stories about the embarrassing things she’s done to me/in front of me/near me while drunk when I was a kid. Some highlights:

There is no way for any of us to really know.

“Step 1: Remove skin suit using back zipper. Step 2: Reveal to interlocutor that “you” are actually a stack of five wily jack o’lanterns with a duckling wearing a Richard Nixon mask standing on top. Step 3: Say, “I guess I’m not at all the kind of person you thought I was.””

Watch it with the sound off. Nothing makes sense and you’ll think you’re having a stroke. It improves the experience enormously.

It should probably be noted that if Hirsch completes the terms of the plea, the charges get dismissed entirely by Dec. 7th, so it’s like it never even happened. Hooray.

My parent worked at HP for twenty years and had some serious beef with her. The only thing I can say about Carly Fiorina is fuck Carly Fiorina.

All times.

Yes.