I’m appalled Tom Jones is not on this list. 

Chuck Lorre was probably fuming about the fact they couldn’t put a masturbation joke instead of said actress just looking at her boobs, but then again he probably just looked at the big pile of money that kept growing on the floor and came in his pants anyway.

“Hmmm, how noticeable would it be if I wore a sleeveless hoodie... yeah, I’d get called out on that. Better just wear sleeveless pants in the snow. Yeah, that’ll learn ‘em.”

- Matt Patricia

Vapid Rapist Rebukes Request to stop Vaping .

It’s like Drew Magary morphed with the entire Iceland team from Mighty Ducks 2. 

One time a dry cider spilled some spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. 

Serious question - how is the “Free Throw” drink not just a shot of air and a personalized video the bartender brings out of a tablet of Shaq laughing and winking at said customer? 

If you believe Stormy it ain’t much. 

It’s like the thinking man’s doctorate.

So...

The losing team is handing out Ls instead of Ws. Shouldn’t this be the other way around?

No one is touching the fact this dude’s favorite candy is Bit O’ Honey?

The Washington Racial Slurs are relevant, even on social media?

What a time to be alive. 

She doesn’t care, didn’t you see the jacket? 

To be fair, most of my comments are dick and cum jokes. 

But bustin’ makes me feel good. 

I have two celebrity encounters that took a total of ten seconds of my life.

1. I was walking along a beach on Lake Michigan, and I started walking towards Bob Seger. I’m assuming this because he looked liked him and he was talking with some woman about having to fly out to Austin for a gig.

“ Oh hey there, Bob.”…

I read that and thought “Hey, that sounds like Chaka Khan’s!” and then thought “Oh wait, that wouldn’t work with him.” 

Better People, Better Ingredients, Klapa John’s

Well everybody knows that if you eat ribs in bed, you get the Itis.

Pot’s probably not gonna reap taxes for infrastructure for a few more years, just let our roads do all the heavy lifting for the time being. You know, the usual. 

I’m more of a fan of Hardonnay. 

Was really hoping there’d be a “Merlooooooooh Baby” flavor.