I will say that if you ever want to feel better about yourself as a person, go to a disc re-sale place that sells dvds and video games. I went to one last week, hung over after my annual drunk spring cleaning to sell a bunch of old dvds and blu-rays that had been collecting dust, and boy, talk about going to the…

“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” weren’t too far off in their portrayal of the owners, huh?

Someone better tell Afroman he can’t eat pussy like shrimp fired rice anymore.

Bull shit are stools.

I chived in, “haven’t you people ever heard of not overfishing the ocean floor?”

The evolution of the “I’d like to speak to the manager,” but with a kiss of “Joe Dirt.”

“I don’t want his trainer in my house.”

Thoughts on Koegel hot dogs?

This might be because I’m jaded and have no hope in America, but my unpleasant version of this would involve lines like ““These brussels sprouts are delicious, Patrice,” he said in between gargles of the hooker’s flowing stream of urine fell into his mouth,” and ““Say hi to your mom and dad for me, kiddo,” he said,…

People will be wondering what smells so bad in the attic and crawlspaces, find a body, call the cops, they’ll drag it out and reveal to the spouse it’s a sex robot, and suddenly the ID channel and Lifetime will have an endless supply of material related to spouses murdering each other.

A talking Head appears on CNBC and we’re supposed to be surprised?

Prior reports state that he used to enjoy drinking soda, but later sources revealed he much prefers to drink a lot of water.

(Looks over at hockey equipment gathering dust for ten years)
(cries)
(eats another cheeseburger)

Jesus fuck he went to Cooley... This explains so, so much.

5. Getting hit by a car

Shades of Mugshot Nick Nolte and Mark Davis.

Ahem...

Rockin’ tits.

I won’t.

One of my fondest memories is my father chanting “40 bucks... everything here costs 40 bucks...” multiple times when we went to the Grand Canyon, because any activity there outside just looking at the Grand Canyon apparently costs 40 bucks per person back in 1994.

It’s not the Rosé Bowl?