You know what would be a great source of protein? That passive-aggressive friend.

As a show runner I can't stand Moffat, starting with the casting the casting of perpetually pissy Karen Gillan. As an episodic writer I love Moffat, my favorite NuWho is definitely season 1, with Christopher. Moffat's two episode, "The Empty Child," ("Are you my mummy?") is without a doubt my favorite NuWho episode…

Cadbury caramel eggs are treat for your mouth. That creme shit doesn't exist in my world.

The short answer is the simplest, and the one that will get me the most shit on Deadspin: the patriarchy. Police departments are overwhelmingly male, and have been taught by a misogynist society from birth that their experiences are valid, but experiences that differ from their own are either suspicious or fictional.…

White chocolate > dark chocolate.

Did they not realize that running the tagline "You can't make this shit up" over clearly doctored pictures makes no sense at all? I mean, it's a doctored picture, so clearly you can make that "shit" up because the person who doctored the pictures did make it up...because they're fake pictures. The phrase "you can't…

I worked in a deli in Beverly Hills for awhile (read: self-important, self-centered, selfish people ate there for lunch a lot). One day a dude came in and ordered some kinda bagel sandwich with X bagel. Turned out we didn't have X bagel; we'd run out (which was common after the morning rush). He was mad and amended…

I hope I think of a better one, but here's the first one that comes to mind: The most horrible family I have ever encountered while working at Applebee's got sat in my section. I was already slammed, and they were a big corner booth. Bear in mind that only two of them were children. When I went to take their order,…

I have an excellent revenge story, but it requires some time to get the full effect.

Several years ago I was working in a sports bar and grill when a man and his teenage son were sat in my section. I greeted them and the man was nice enough but his son was a complete and total prick. The man ordered a beer and the son a cherry coke. If you have never worked in a restaurant before, most places this…

I did a fair amount of oat-sowing my freshman year of college. The school wasn't known for its diversity, and I was one of the few black girls on campus. Since I stuck out like a sore thumb, most of my hookups were followed by a fair deal of boasting and gossip. Depending on your gender, I was commonly referred to as…

I don't know if this constitutes revenge but I worked for an agency a long time ago (before my professional career), where they were repeatedly abusing non-verbal adults in this crisis home. It was through over-restraints. There was a veil of secrecy in all of this—I only saw glimpses of the worst because I worked on…

*Stands on all the women who have worked their asses off so she can stand there today* Feminism is not important and I don't like it. "*walks away on all the women who continue to be oppressed today and tomorrow.*

Once upon a time my then-boyfriend and I were in the midst of a fun bout of mattress olympics. I was on top while we were laying down on my post-college-but-still-broke twin bed, which sat high on top of a box spring and plain old metal bedframe. We were closer to the bottom of the bed than the top. Changing the…

Upscale hotel in Boston, weekend getaway. I booked a regular room but it was REALLY NICE. Like, a lot nicer than I thought from the pictures and what not. Whatevs. After a lovely dinner, me and my guy are going at it on the king bed I don't remember booking? (*shrug* I'll take it) and mid-moan, mid-thrust, my guy is…

20. You are, scientifically speaking, the least diverse band of all time. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Hello all. I go to Fond du Lac High School and actually did the artwork for this story. I worked very closely with Tanvi Kumar when she wrote this piece and can honestly say there is nothing she could have possibly done better. (I'd also like to give the highest praise to our wonderful instructor, Matt Smith. He…

Whenever my daughter and I go hiking along a popular ridge we often hear "date" conversations. I call them date conversations because there is just something in the way both parties are talking to each other. In the hills, you don't have to try to listen, you hear everything. That is one reason I think the "hiking"…

Any man? You sure?

"no, seriously, i've looked everywhere for them! you say you've seen some? where exactly? i need to investigate…"