Carlin did a lot of cocaine and it took 4 heart attacks to take him down.

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Donald Trump will try to nominate Lance Armstrong to head the NCAA, even though he was told at least once that he can't appoint that position.

She's gonna keep us in suspense,
whether she's gonna start,
we turned the key on that Chevy,
just made a noise like a fart
ooo OOO oooOOOO oooo

NPR pledge drives would be a lot more fun if the people on air were as drunk as you. As it is, I think a lot of them are slightly buzzed.

A real estate developer? Shocking.

Nah, Trump just SAID he wants to move the embassy to Jerusalem.

No, you can only be Gabriel Iglesias.

Okay, I know I saw Renee give the "cut" signal on her way out of the ring. There is no way she saw that coming from Miz. That was supposed to go some place else.

They are related points, because of circumstance, but they are definitely worth addressing individually.

I wonder if fucking Scott Stapp will make it to the age that Creed gets its induction into the Hall Of Fame and some band full of retards from the future reprises some of Creed's finest moments on stage by getting smashed on liquor and mumbling about Jesus. And he can look on in admiration from the second row.

Sorry, Rock n Roll Hall Of Fame. Don't care, not going to ever. Not even after Flea tells me it's cool. Last year you made fucking Steve Miller look cool by comparison to you. So you suck at life. Die.

Ah, blow it out your ass. So the Republican Party got another man-child into the office of President. He seems to be taking orders from the business oligarchy just fine, so far.

Steamy Season's Greetings

You're 37, you're not old.

I'll be happy to share a room in hell with you where "Morning Mr. Magpie" plays forever.

That really was an amazing 5 set match with Andre Agassi, but that was like a decade ago, get over it.

There's a whole contingent of people ready to root for her just because she punched Jay-Z in an elevator. I won't seek it out, but lemme know, Solange. Maybe the next Knowles generation shouldn't pick names that sound like cleaning apparatuses.

Ah, FINALLY. The secret to healthily dyed blue food. Purple cabbage, beetroot, and whatever the hell yellow capsicum is. Boy, yellow capsicum doesn't sound very healthy to me.

Nice answer: Star Trek V, as it pertains to climbing mountains, "because it's there!" Because now, you can eat a tree!