On the background noise providing television behind me I thought I heard that he offered to get stabbed in the stomach in the way Ben Carson described (or not get stabbed, which was more to his point). Did I hear that right?

Man, Central Perk was on the gluten-free bandwagon early.

Jennifer Aniston was replaced in Brad Pitt’s love life and everyone in the world has kept noticing for years and years and years.

GOOD FOR HER!

The salon robe and foils is a whole new level of crazy. Amazing.

Not tonight, Satan!

Oh I know! He was very sweet to me even after I was the one who ran into him and everything I hear about him just makes him seem so awesome.

I love the rock.

Gisele, that’s kind of gross. Bridget’s kid is your stepchild, not a gift with purchase.

I just don’t think we’ve taken the appropriate amount of time here to truly appreciated that Trump quote. The sheer beauty of it. The grammatical finesse. The dead-end, truncated, half-thoughts that really don’t mean what he meant them too if you take it all every literally/ at face-value.

Who here DOESN’T say Merry Christmas while having sex?!

1. 1 - obv

Seconded for that next-level resting bitch face. The platonic ideal of resting bitch face.

I know a lot of couples where one person’s willingness to marry the other, have kids together, etc. depends on conversion. It always feels icky to me when one person converts right around the time of the wedding or having a baby, but if they are both happy with it, I’m happy for them. When you’re born in to a religion…

If People Magazine thinks that tuna noodle casserole is a sign of perfection, its standards are even lower than I thought.

I can't tell if these stories warmed my icy cold heart or chilled my raging hot anger.

I like a little wasabi but no. Ughhhh no. That might be worse than when one of the guys snorted a little bit on Jackass just due to the sheer quantity he ate. Like I’d be afraid to poop for a week after that. If I could do it, that is, which I could not.

This lovely man came in every day, I burned his bread, and he left a $5.00 tip on a $4.00 meal. One time, he heard me (quietly, I swear) talking to another waitress about how I couldn’t afford to have my other cat spayed yet, and when he left, I found $100.00 under the cup for my cat.

The writing on that one is the BEST. I lost it at fleeing the great Fucks Famine of 2015.