I think cleaning up baby vomit during early puberty (two young cousins, whose mother expected 12-15 year old me to scrub the furniture every holiday) inoculated me against breeding. And nobody asks if my cats “are yours” with quite the same tone of voice.

I have a life-long track record of confusing medical professionals. And it turns out gentian violet works great for yeast, so long as you’re fine with vivid purple stains.

I’ve bought legit Monistat three or four times, and it has never eliminated the yeast, just kept it at bay for a week so I could drive home from college to see my gynecologist.

I’ve had to use a three-week course of anti-fungal pills and cream to tame one yeast monster (and then, to add insult to injury, the hand that applied the cream smells tauntingly like pretzels all day). Sometimes they just will not go away, and birth control can make it a lot worse.

I’ve never had otc yeast treatments work, ever. Always ended up needing a prescription. One time, the store-brand Monistat equivalent melted my pad to my underwear.

That face says to me, “if you ask me to be your bridesmaid they will never find your body.”

I’ve had a complicated history with Aleve. I had to take it as a baby, when it was prescription-only Napperson. In high school, my rheumatologist had me taking four a day, and it started trashing my stomach. The “stomach protector” he prescribed only added intestinal problems to the party. Can only take one Aleve in a…

I misread your first sentence as meaning you were already too high to buy more meth.

What about Assassination Classroom? It’s a heartwarming tale of middle school students tasked with killing their tentacle monster teacher before the end of the school year, to keep him from punching a whole straight through the Earth. Doesn’t keep the students from loving him, though.

I’m one of those nut-jobs who can eat a whole raw tomato, but they are too squishy and disgusting on burgers and usually watery flavorless varieties.

Not sure if it’s allergies, but fresh pineapple and cayenne pepper both fill my face with pain. Canned pineapple, dried pineapple, cooked pineapple are fine, but fresh or the juice make my mouth too sensitive to keep eating. Sweet peppers through mild salsa are delicious, but you’d be surprised how many dishes have…

My uncle was allergic to tomatoes (he could have them cooked, if he took a benadryl right after) but that went away when he quit smoking. Tobacco is a nightshade, too.

Jeeze, I’m just lactose intolerant and people either treat me like I’m about to die or like I’m lying through my teeth when they find out. I’ve had acquaintances try and throw friends’ pizza away to “protect” me, while others want all the details. (“So, what happens if you eat something with dairy in it?” “I take my…

In middle school, I abruptly went from second-shortest in my grade to second-tallest (however, I didn’t get my period until 8th grade, and didn’t even need a bra until 10th).

May I introduce you to Not Always Right?

At first, I misunderstood it as he was sent to bring up the lobsters from downstairs...

My first time buying alcohol, I was at a Toadies concert and asked the bartender girl to recommend me a beer. She seemed very confused by this, and started going on and on about this great cider they just got in (for whatever reason, apple juice and soft cider have made me feel like death my entire life, even though I…

I would’ve said, “If you don’t bring me my card within the next five minutes, I’m calling the police.” Get a fire lit under that ass.

Oh dear, I’ve had a really weird Applebees experience. I’d gone with my aunt and my sister to pick up our little cousin (because grandma can’t handle her anymore), who then could not wait another hour and a half to get home and eat. When we got sat down, my aunt gathered all the forks and knives from our silverware…

At Biscuitville, on more than one occasion I’ve ordered a half-gallon of sweet tea, and had a very confused cashier try and hand me a small sweet tea (and there’s a hash brown hiding in my bag, because their drive-thru speaker is likely older than I am).