After my wife gave birth two years ago, I’ve tried to stop cursing. Why? because my son’s first uttered phrase was Oh Shit. He went from ma, ba to oh shit. It doesn’t even bother me that much, but my wife is mortified when we’re out at a store and he starts saying Oh shit when he sees something out of place. Litter?…

I agreed to this two years ago. 

I genuinely liked Solo so don’t mind the haters. Enjoy what you like, even if it is Space Leia.

This kid is 3 years from sexually assaulting a girl in a frat house and about 20 years from being in the House of Representatives.

My favorite insults of this non-expletive variety are the sort a grandfather might use to refer affectionately to his grandson, like “sport”, “pal” or “champ”. Call someone an asshole and odds are they let it go, but there is something infuriating and delightful about the condescension of being told, “Alright, ease up…

So true about Australians. And if someone at work calls me “mate” I can be absolutely sure that they will never, ever have an ounce of respect for me.

My mom’s text alert is the wicked witch saying “i’ll get you my pretty... AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!  <CACKLE>“  Every time.  Not only is it cringeworthy in its own right but Jesus Christ woman, you’re 65.

Grey is 100% better than losing it. 

In the last three years I have increasingly employed “fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck” in response to reading the day’s headlines. It is satisfying.

My lord, the number of meetings I have with The Olds where at least two peoples’ phones go off multiple times. It escapes comprehension.

“The First Pancake.”

I love swearing. A properly placed “fuck this fucking fuck” is so satisfying as an emotional release, I say it regularly as a way to avoid therapy.

I will admit though that there is something so heinously hilarious about non-expletive insults when you’re insulting another person, that sometimes it’s the superior move…

Any loud phone use should be a war crime.

I said once that I treat nose/ear hairs with the same policy as spiders - I will not seek you out in your dark places and hunt you down, but if you come into the light I will strike without mercy.

DVD players and TV/VCR combos!

I’ve loved MOST of the F&F movies but every now and again it tickles me to be like, “Remember when this was about guys who drove Honda’s and stole DVD players?” 

I’ve lived in every major city in Ohio (go ahead, make your joke).

I had a friend who dated a woman from Ohio in college. When she dumped him, he referred to her as that “worthless, Ohio, piece of shit.” One of my other friends fired back, “no need to say the same thing three times. We get the point.” 

when I was a kid (maybe 5th grade, not sure) my friend’s family took us to Cedar Point (where every Michigan kid went in the summer). Before we crossed the border into Toledo my friend said “my dad’s coworker told me people in Ohio are really weird.” The first thing we see in Toledo - a man walking down the street…

I legitimately forgot that the Bengals were a team until I went to Deadspin’s front page and saw this article. Every once in a while I’ll see their uniform and be like “Oh, right, shit, the Bengals exist!”. Anytime I try and name all 32 teams in the NFL, I have to rack my brain for five minutes to remember the fourth…