I'm betting starchy foods and an ice cream scoop.

Tattoos = subversion. Robert Lasardo always plays bad guys. HE HAS TATTOOS.

At least we now have definitive proof they're full of shit.

14 year-old me looks at sex and swearing and concludes that swearing is less risky and marginally more fun for beginners.

Yeah, they distribute free condoms too (my school is a 16-18 year sixth form college and the age of consent here is sixteen so it's utterly controversy-less and they're from the NHS) but the catch with that is that our medical office is PAINFULLY visible, so whenever anyone picks them up anyone nearby (and my school…

Ha, my school used to give us lunch tokens for getting chlamydia tests. I'm a virgin and I've tested myself for chlamydia something like fourteen times, because I didn't bring money to school that morning.

The humming. THE HUMMING.

I love you.

I think that's encroaching bloody-tampon territory though. I guess being at boarding school seriously lowers your standards, but I just...as long as nothing's mouldy I really don't have any ability to discern any more.

That risotto thong is the worst.

Those judge shows make up for every other kind of reality TV. I fucking *love* those shows. Especially Divorce Court. Oh my god I live for Divorce Court.

I'M DETECTING A NOTE OF IRONY HERE.

Wow. I hate people. Even people I don't hate, I kind of hate them. Other people are terrible and I don't like them.

BUT YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH TO NOT DO THINGS. PUT MORE EFFORT INTO THE STUFF YOU'RE NOT DOING.

Do people really give a shit about how tidy other people's houses are? I can't imagine how ridiculously dull your life must be if that's something significant you notice. I mean, Jesus, if I'm in someone elses' house it's usually because they're giving me food. Unless it's hoarder-level bloody-tampon-on-floor…

Actual liquid-on-screen laughter. Brava.

WHY AREN'T YOU ALL RELAXING? YOU'RE ALL FAILURES. RELAX MORE. I DON'T SEE YOU FUCKING RELAXING.

The solution is time travel.

People suck. Dear lord.

It's that or vodka. And I already like vodka, so that's probs not a good road.