maybe it would have been nominated if it was a polar bear

Or: FROM BROTHELS TO ESCORTS (one man’s brave journey)

I really hope Colberto is Colbert’s evil Spanish soap-opera twin.

‘Listen, you do whatever the fuck you want to do, but please promise me you’ll never go back to a disgusting brothel again.”

What’s incredibly depressing is that despite the fact that he appears to have a pretty brutal addiction eating at him, Fallon is still getting a thousand more things done than my sorry stupid sober ass.

I guess my hope is that he’s quietly getting sober. It’s tough for non-alcoholics to wrap their head around addiction and recovery. So many of my well-intention friends will say, “Well, I drink a lot. Does that make me an alcoholic?” I usually just say:

Are you trying to suggest he’s africa nature?

As someone who lives in Canada, and currently deals with the healthcare system more than I like because of breast cancer diagnosis, I can tell you that no, you don’t get stuck with a doctor you don’t like.

there was a tweet that wasn’t included where nicki says farrah’s child slapped her. the above is an inference into what the child was thinking at the time. WHY DO I KNOW THIS.

Remember when Jesse Ventura won a lawsuit against this lying asshole for making up an entire story about fighting with him in a bar?

Me too!!! I’m going to go home tonight and lay on my sofa cowering in fear while I watch The West Wing on Netflix. I’ll probably be so afraid it will take five extra minutes for me to doze off...

Oh. By the way. I’m a fucking medaled Vet she isn’t a Vet, she is some woman who married a psychopath who found his calling in the military.

Remember when he bragged about sniping looters during Katirna? Great guy.

who also lied about how many people he murdered to make himself sound more “badass”

lmao sry just got this scenario in my head where penises are treated like guns and are bought and sold at dick shows and you have to get a concealed penis permit or like where if a penis is left around a toddler the toddler may accidentally use it to rape somebody

I love that because her husband was a mass murdering “patriot” she thinks her opinion should some weight.

“These are people who had something happening in their lives a long time ago.”

Can I give you 15,000,000 stars for this? You need them.

Well, his face IS slightly less punchable than Cruz’s so that’s good at least. And while I still think all of his viewpoints are terrible, they seem more of the regular GOP terrible than fascist crazy talk like Trump. Still wouldn’t vote for him even if someone had a gun to my vag but good for him being the less awful…

Love starting my day with some Kermit.