Ted Cruz puts every terrible roommate story into perspective.

If he did, he’d never have to buy his own drinks ever again. What a guy.

This guy could make millions. AND HE WOULD DESERVE THEM.

I would read that shit in one sitting, start to finish.

lets start a kickstarter, because this is hilarious

Oh, please let it be soon.

How much longer until someone offers this guy a huge advance for a tell-all book about his time living with Ted Cruz?

Oh god he was adorable! When ward went all bad and killed one of him I almost cried because he was so sweet. Ugh.

It is fine. It will just take some time for me to heal. HOLD ME.

I get in trouble for not responding to texts ALL THE TIME, and for this very reason, I have responded in my head and my brain tells me I sent a reply.....but also, sometimes, I will go back to check and see a response all typed up, but clearly I got distracted by something and forgot to hit send.

OH, WE WILL BATTLE.

I’m a little concerned at how much my problem lusts after me. I invariably get fucked.

Oh come on, LIKE THAT’S HER OWN HAIR.

It’s weirder that I would seriously consider fighting you for him.

sort of like badum-tsss

conundrum-sss

Puts the pickle back in ..... pickle.

Is it weird that Patton Oswalt is pretty much my dream man? I mean he isn’t my usual type but goddamn it, I want him bad.

I loved it when I was a kid. Haven't had it as a grown up but now I want to.