I saved it to my phone for that very reason.

I still think this is the best superhero meets toddler picture:

hahahaha

Paltrow impersonation?

Is this a bolo? AM I SEEING A BOLO.

Whelp, if she runs, it will be the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with the boy's family. I've never in my life encountered more people with illogical and virulent hatred toward a family they do not even know.

Do you worry your shirt is too much of a purpose-built article of clothing? Do you desire to air your nipples more regularly? Do you want to hide your chubby armpits? Well have I got the unshirt for you, good sir!

Is there an Arabic word for "mensch" because I can't love Jon Stewart more.

Pretty sure I was just mad at her for catching me drinking. So clearly, she was just a horrible conformist.

The ever popular balloon penis hat deserves a mention:

I started doing it to amuse myself at a bar, and then when I was talking to the guy, he seemed so nice I felt like such a charlatan that I didn't stop. Which I realize makes no sense NOW, but at the time (and a few drinks in) it was clearly the only course of action.

A friend and former co-worker was severely allergic to dogs.

Pretended to be a posh-ass Brit for two weeks. (Due to long-term childhood exposure to Monty Python, Black Adder, and the like, I can nail many accents from the British Isles. Party trick!)

When I was in high school, I got drunk and subsequently belligerent toward my mother while on the phone and called her a "stooge" and a "toady to the Man". Not one of my proudest moments.

I prefer my racism carb-free. It's the Trace Adkins diet.

His tweets make me think of that Lewis Black joke: "If it weren't for my horse, I would have never made it through grad school.

These things happen. It's why we have wine. Or vice versa.

I cannot stop watching the hypnotically horrible title gif. It's mesmerizing.

Interestingly, sometimes even the well-educated among us end up pregnant even when using contraception.

It totally needs to go main page but I'm a greyed-lady!