I swear, I am saying the words as I’m typing them and as I’m sending the email or posting the comment or hitting the enter button to start the next paragraph, something catches my eye and I see NONE OF THE WORDS I THOUGHT I HAD TYPED/SAID WERE THERE. These damn fingers.

THANK YOU. I thought maybe I was missing a contextual wording choice. Like how I do. But I don’t think I am. I think her fingers got the better of her, like mine to.

I frantically Googled SoundCloud trying to figure out if I’ll end up getting secretly charged for it and couldn’t figure it out. Then I emailed my all-knowledgeable friend and she basically had no idea and did the same thing I did. Then I texted an old co-worker who knows all this random information and he had random…

I do not know who this Tink is, but now I must know. And I also need to know what Sound Cloud is. Will it get me free Tink music?

That gif tho

That’s OK. Apparently eating a diet made up almost entirely of chicken carbs and marshmallows makes me lose weight vs veggies and fruits sooooo. Whatevs. Thanks though!

I LOVE PICKLED BEETS! But you know what I don’t love? The immediately, extreme, stomach pain that follows. What a ripoff. But they are so, so, so good. You know what you need to get? You need to get Bolthouse Farms Cilantro Avocado dressing. Then you need to layer yourself some delicious pickled beets, sliced avocado,…

Did you botox your lungs too? I bet that’s dangerous... JUST LET IT OUT. Just kidding. You do you, boo. You do you. Just like I’m going to do me tonight in my bed under the A/C while pretending it’s not 500 million degrees.

I see a smurf, I think. Maybe a smurf butler. I’ll squint for you. I’ve had laugh lines since I was 7 and my grandma always use to tell me “It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown! And you get less wrinkles!” Excuse me, Southern Lady that can’t stay off my facial expressions when I’m just trying to…

It was a pretty life changing moment. I thought my pool was a for sure, keep me out of that category, classifier. And my intense acid reflux belches.

Ugh. This guy I went on a date with described me as fancy, or classy, I can’t remember what. For some reason I was offended and just dug and dug and dug, trying to get to the bottom of WHY he called me that. Was it because I knew why the restaurant gave me a spoon with my spagetti? Was it because I forced the male,…

I’m so glad I’m not the only one. My friend brought up the idea (before I saw the reviews) and I gave her this look like, “Are you out of your mind? What a waste of money.” Then I said those words to her. Then I read the article and immediately ordered the amorenaturals.com one and rrreeeaallly wish they would let me…

It’s impractical, but it makes me want all of the beauty boxes. Whereas prior, I thought they were the stupidest things in the entire world. Have I leaned in?

OR, or, we’d be confronted with our own scatterdedness(?) and we’d get our shit together and THRIVE LIKE A BUNCH OF CAPABLE MOTHER FUCKERS. I find that if there’s no one around to do something, I do it and I do it well. So, we will adopt that. Or I will and everyone else will die off. Or they’ll survive because I’ll…

I got it once I got the enunciation. Which had nothing to do with the way it was written or the joke itself, just brain as of late. I may seriously be losing my mind. I’m glad I wasn’t alone in the belly button challenge. My sore, injured shoulders KNEW I should not even attempt to wrap my arm around my midsection,…

So, she’s under the age of consent, and therefore he’s a rap- hahahaha I did it again! Oh my god... I think I need a vacation. He is statutorily raping her. Rape, not rap. So, rape-ing. Either way, his lyrics are weird and I had trouble understanding them (TAKE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT AFTER READING MY POSTS) because I…

My roommate is obsessed with jumpers, and I just can’t get on board. I think because I’ve yet to see one with fabric and fit that doesn’t look like it’s being eaten by rabid ass/crotch-ers.

I am sooooo glad I’m not alone. (I also realized today that I spent the last two days using the wrong engine configuration drawing and parts list at work and my book is due next Thursday and am feeling insanely stupid and stressed. So this feels good, the not being alone.)

I ended up Googling her because I still didn’t understand. My roommate is OBSESSED with JCrew, I went into an outlet with her one day and was like, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU THINK THIS IS CHEAP?! And watched her drop a ridic amount on shit I would never wear because I have disdain for classic Southern frat clothes that my…

EVERYTIME I WEAR MY JEAN VESTS I SAY I’M A SEXY CANADIAN! I don’t think other people understand the jean and Canadian equation.