Definitely Tom Hanks.

BOO.

You're all wrong. That's a photo of Laura Dern.

I don't remember how this ends. Hey, try the mulled wine.

You could run some simulations by going on some imaginary dates. Here, we'll hook you up with an imaginary blind date. She looks just like Melissa Benoist, but she has red hair and is six inches taller. She works for HR at a large tech company. Your cousin fixed you up. Go for it.

Yes?

NOBODY WANTS THAT.

What?

I thought the whole thing was that Putter didn't exist. Now I'm confused. Has she walked off with your TV yet?

What if we just called her "plus-sized"?

I mean, maybe a little time in Purgatory. I'd think that Spaceballs automatically qualifies him for Heaven, and Blazing Saddles gets him a seat next to St. Peter.

SHUT UP YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TAKE THIS COSTUME OFF.

No, see, the current theory—which thankfully hasn't caught on—is that nothing can ever be funny about the Nazis and Brooks should burn in hell for The Producers.

Hmmmm, I…

Wait, I saw your other name come up the other day.

My yardstick for when political correctness has gone too far is when the internet goes after Weird Al. If that happens, hold onto your shit.

Hmmmm. What about a series of racially insensitive Halloween costumes targeted at drunk college students who'll think it's funny? That could work.

There's got to be a way to capitalize on this "appropriation" thing. Hmmmm.

I bet May has moved since before the property values went up. Typical Parker luck.

At this point, it's "let's guess which non-FF/X-Men character isn't appearing in a Marvel film."