I would 100% read that from the library. She’d never get my money.

My wife and I recently lost our twin boys, Anton and Colin, at 20 weeks gestation. They were handsome, they were healthy, but my wife had an unforeseen and undiagnosed incompetent cervix despite being on bedrest for most of the 20 weeks, and we were advised that we need to deliver or we would lose three lives instead…

Please god let Trump scream “THE EARTH IS FLAT!” on the debate stage in front of 60 million people, while a pool of his own piss gathers at his feet.

When I was about 22 ish (back when the Loch Ness monster was just a tadpole) a 60ish man put his hand down my skirt and squeezed my ass at a charity function. My then boyfriend tried to make me tell someone, but all I wanted to do was leave.

Let’s be clear about something...

This was dead on. I especially loved the part with the black man, “Denzel,” in the audience and asking a question. “You know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton...she’s basically a black.”

Lil Jon confirmed reports that Donald Trump called him “Uncle Tom”

THANK YOU for including the Hillary Clinton one. People seemed to be so confused thinking she actually/genuinely complimented his children. Like, no. They were her props in that moment. She knew it; they knew it; we knew it; the audience (who chuckled) knew it. Hell, people not even yet born knew what she meant.

Does this count as shade?

Duck Kellyanne! The boomerang you threw is predictably coming back to lick you in the head!

I’m stealing this, bud. But I’m warning you first, I’m not just gonna grab it.

Just a PSA for the night

That near-billion that he lost through bad business deals... very likely was not from his own personal wealth, but from other people’s money. He swindled poor saps with tales of his ‘great business acumen’, got them to invest a near billion dollars, then drove it into the ground in one year. So they’re out ‘real…

Hmm. Looks like airport security just didn’t have ... the guts.

Under his proposed tax plan many businesses probably wouldn’t bother with the hassle and risk of establishing offshore tax shelters because they could pay so little tax routing all income through pass-through entities.

Best part is that it was on TV.

Marriage isn’t “just a fucking word”. It’s a legal status with fairly extensive implications in healthcare, tax, child custody, inheritance, property ownership, civil and criminal legal cases, pensions etc. Marriage doesn’t protect spouses from cheating or leaving, sure, but that’s a massively different thing from…

Cosmo was in a perfect position to do this. Everyone, including Ivanka, thinks they’re a dumb ladymag full of nothing but penis touching tips and other questionable advice, but their political reporting is actually pretty damn good.

Yes Ivanka, Cosmo readers do and should care about issues impacting women and children (and families of all kinds) which is why they fucking asked you those questions.

It barely even matters at this point. I don’t like Hillary, she’s not the candidate I’d have chosen and I think she’ll be a mediocre president but the fact that she isn’t polling at 80-90% has already deeply shaken my faith in this country. Obviously the ramifications of a Trump victory are still so scary that I want…