Yes, President Obama would. For the first 40 years of his life he was Steve Urkel, now he's Stephan Urkël.

...And they’re oddly bragging about living in Cleveland, like being a local during this shitshow is worthy of envy, which is beyond.

No, he doesn’t mack on rarity. ;-) I won’t spoil the rest, since you haven’t seen it yet. It’s worth the wait!

Well, a lot of the base has probably been bumping meth, so.

Bad news— 90s rich kid liberal stoners are now Republicans.

I think Third Eye Blind keeps inviting Bruce Springsteen out but Bruce has to check his schedule because it’s summer and, ya know, it’s a busy time. But soon, totally, they’ll get those beers.

How dare you, sir or ma’am. I am awed by the resplendence of Cheesecake Factory every time I walk through its hallowed doors. Is it also emblematic of everything wrong with American eating habits? Perhaps. But to suggest I am a Megan Trainor fan AND disparage my slice of banana cream cheesecake is uncalled for. I also…

And he’s gay, so “yay!” for my team! :)

My take, if true: he’s not the only one with skeletons in his closet and he knows secrets. It’s hush money. I mean, Fox News doesn't run on good will and integrity.

Fucking seriously, jesus. Also, he conveniently seemed to forget that ‘western civilization’ was built on the backs and resources of people around the world who weren’t exactly fairly compensated.

Except for the "parking was great" part. If parking is a mile away from where you want to be, that is not great parking.

I dated a girl in high school whose father wouldn’t let het watch the Cosby Show because he didn’t like the successful portrayal of black people. But he LOVED Sanford and Son. We had sex in his bed multiple times.

I hope it’s the same intern who designed the original Trump-Pencetration logo. I’m sure it’s a staffer who also consistently tells Trump that his “hair is looking great today!”

The only tweet that has made any sort of connection with me in a long while. Team Kittens.

YESSS! I am with you on this. There is definitely a saboteur on the inside and whoever it is is doing good works. Really good works. The BEST. Haha. Seriously though I hope it continues and it's enough to turn more people off.

She also Rick Rolled the audience:

I also feel horrible for Gia. Being the oldest child in that family, going through that situation, is literally beyond what I can comprehend.

I can’t cite sources at the moment but I know there’s been some studies and books written about a significant number of business execs possessing traits of psychopathy.

Yeah absolutely, not a silly question. From my experiences in Europe, an au pair is hired as part of a cultural experience/exchange,so there are stricter rules such as certain number of hours per week that you can work, you have to speak a different native language than your host family (to allow for cultural…

Angels for Satan