I did! I pretty much drove straight there on the way up, so I had a friend fly up to Seattle and drive back to Alabama with me. We saw the redwoods in California, drove down the 101, saw Yosemite Park, stopped in Vegas, saw the Hoover Dam (where I lost my driver's license), Death Valley (which had a whore house…

I reconnected with a one-night stand and took an international flight to see him again.

That would make an adorable teen movie.

I look forward to next week's column, whatever the subject, to see if you can work that ex and wedding into a third post.

So you got laid and you were still getting paid for your time?! Gold.

I'm not sure I should be rewarded for being THAT desperate. LOL

On a cruise with my family right a week after I graduated college. Was sharing a tiny room with my older brother. Met super hot dude there because his borther was getting married on the ship. He was sharing a room with his mother. One night, very late, we snuck back into his cabin while his mother slept and did it in…

Not a thing I did, but a thing that was done in pursuit of getting in my pants. Also not super crazy, just completely ridiculous.

When I was 15 I used to steal my parents car in the middle of the night, drive 15 miles through LA to my girlfriend's apartment, where she would sneak up to the roof so as to avoid her ex naval officer father hearing us and subsequently murdering me, and have gross teenager sex until 6am. Then, because my girlfriend…

I once played rugby with giant men to impress a guy in college who said he thought it was hot when girls were "tiny but tough." Promptly dislocated my right shoulder and broke my left collarbone, and a rib. Insisted I was fine, even though I couldn't move. Drank a lot, so I could claim the passing out was from the…

Last June I was moving from Utah to Seattle, I drove through the night about a 14 hour drive. On the way, I set my tinder account to a 100 mile radius and mass swiped right while i was driving. This way I didn't have to look at my phone and could check results when I made pit-stop, usually with girls who were still…

Dated a dude in a shitty metal band for almost a year. *sigh* So many concerts.

It looks like something your middle-aged bachelor uncle whips up for the July 4th potluck, and everybody kind of smiles sadly and goes "It's good that he's trying to develop some hobbies since he got out."

My fiance is a Paul Bunyan type. He can build shit and is most comfortable in work boots, a pair of badly destroyed but comfortable jeans, and an old t-shirt that likely has not been folded because it doesn't matter what he wears, it's getting destroyed. If we go out or shop for nice clothing, he asks me what works…

Plus you feed and pet him! Perfect humans...

My dog doesn't bark at other dogs but he definitely prefers the company of people! We don't smell his butt or try to steal his bed or lick him in the face.

"Part of being in a relationship is doing things the other person likes, even if you're not that into it."

All this shit is a feeble attempt to usurp the very finest dish, native to southern California...CARNE ASADA FRIES.

It looks like an optical illusion. The tesseract of side dishes, a pork-dimensional hyperfood. You enter Wendy's to eat this and exit from a gas station bathroom in a desert 4,000 miles away wondering which of your memories are real and which were implanted.

I was on board with this until you got to Dave and Ted and Dwayne and the conference call and the heartbreaking desire for this one day in the rapidly-diminishing days of my life to be different, to break from the ennui, to be one day where I could cry to the world that I AM A PERSON and I HAVE VALUE.