"Even at 16 I knew my crack wasn't supposed to show;" that 'bares' repeating, some people STILL have not gotten that memo!

I was practicing a blue-belt level of Google-fu on prospective (and actual, if I was introduced via mutual Bacon degrees) dates waaay before Match.com started turning up registered sex offenders and financial scammers on the regular.

Speak for yourself. I am stridently anti-pants.

Ughhh. I hate it when people do the whole non-conformist eye-roll and say, "I thought about getting a tattoo, but now everybody's getting them. Yawn." How do they not hear the utter cockshittery of their own words? The entire point of doing what you want is doing what you want, whether you're the first person or the…

No goombas were harmed during the making of this run.

"I was all about Hidden Dicks before they were cool."

I have a floor-length aqua-sequined gown and a lot of animated LED jewelry*. I WILL BURY YOU.

You guys,

I sure hope no one was shot, this world already has enough pain and suffrage.

Man, your joke was so good, most people couldn't even handle it!

Jesus christ, guys, how is this already a seething pit of hate?

Oklahomas hottest new bar is called Fifty Shades of Gary! Located in a Quasar near Marigold Lane, this watering hole has everything! When you enter, be sure to hand your coat to the backwards talking midget from Twin Peaks, who accepts all major Jelly Beans. Playing Tuesdays at 10:00 am is The Kule Cluck Plan, Gary's…

When asked to comment, the lions responded with, "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM."

too many goddamned typefaces

Dude, Rivers is Catholic. The KKK hates Catholics. So, no. He would not be in the KKK.

I hate them for the smell. When I've gone to pick up something, my clothes smell like it even though I was there only a few minutes. Gross.

I WANT ONE OF EVERYTHING FOR MY CANADIAN ICE PALACE WALK-IN CLOSET.

I keep watching the GIF.

Maybe he has an outie.