It’s chilling when you think that but for a strange streak of chivalry...

This is the best ‘knock, knock motherfucker’ ever.

She is awesome.

Box of sex toys.

A sadistic reality TV show idea: lock this douche, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump in a studio apartment. Provide lots of alcohol, not quite enough food, and no hair products.

I’m a litigator. Sometimes I’ll do oral argument before the Court and think, “shit, that felt like rambling. I bet I sounded so dumb. I must do better next time.” And then I get the transcript back and I’ve spoken eloquently throughout it. Comparatively, I imagine Palin is like “nailed it” after a speech and then…

Ciara already tried a Future upgrade; it didn’t take.

Glitches in his programming. Future upgrades will make it even harder for him to fail the Turing test.

I mean just the fact that you had brunch in Logan Square says it all.

Yeah-when I was back in Chicago this summer, my husband and I had brunch in Logan Square and literally 3 men with beards and skinny jeans passed with large bags of only kale. I am not exaggerating. There were also a lot of French bulldogs. Ship has sailed.

I’m saying. If this works they better come to New York.

“Gentrification” is a weird label. They are calling it “gentrification” in my local downtown area, but that’s not what is happening. Basically, the many dozens of abandoned buildings are being turned into restaurants and apartment buildings (not all of them are high-priced condos; some are reasonably priced and many…

Are these also time traveling witches? Because if they wanted to stop gentrification in Logan Square they’re about twenty years too late.

Or tell them the grass is GMO and there is mandatory vaccinations schedule.

The only way to stop gentrification is to put gluten in all foods within a 10 mile radius. After the initial die-off, the outlanders will migrate elsewhere.

27? Fuck. Pre-frontal cortex AND amygdala consumed by CTE? Just fuck.

Mommas don’t let your babies play football as babies, either. This case is important because it shows that it’s not necessarily a long career in the NFL that does it — the damage done when playing peewee, high school, and college count, but no one talks about it. Scary shit.

Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be NFL players.

Yes! The good men of Congress stayed home to protect their rugged homesteads from invading hordes of frosty beers. Bears...I mean BEARS! Did I say ‘beers’? Damn autocorrect[hiccup] iPhone!

And for most of existence, women haven’t had the privilege of not showing up. No matter how sick or busy, they couldn’t stop mothering. Women have been working around the clock, rain or snow or plague or shine, for millenia.