I wouldn’t take what Penny says seriously—she has been screaming for attention on DeviantArt for years. Awhile ago I saw an article on her in the Daily Mail where she was supposedly trying to look like Jessica Rabbit.

Yes to the former. There are alot of dinosaurs out there who have no problem complaining about their perceived lack of conservative values in today’s world.

I work a rotating shift schedule. I am all kinds of screwed when it comes to sleep.

...but how much brussel sprouts do I need to roast?!?

Sadly, I think it is.

I fondly remember entering the Pinewood Derby with my Dad—under his registration, of course—because I wanted to participate when my brother was in Boy Scouts. We didn’t know that the adults could cheat on the derby specs, but we won the adult races with a Speed Racer style Mach 5 that was totally in regs with the…

I recently came across a few tupperware items from that first commercial...I had to throw them out because the plastic had started deteriorating so that a sticky film coated the entire thing.

My Mom told me the same thing at the same age, but in broken english with her thick Korean accent...and continued with it up until my early 30s (despite being the same weight since I was 14, now she thinks I am too skinny).
I used to spite her by eating EVERYTHING in the fridge.

...What if my hands are normally as cold and icy as the touch of Death himself?

This.

My first thought was,”given he is this good at using his dick as a paintbrush, imagine how amazing his work could be with an ACTUAL EFFING PAINTBRUSH.”

Diatomaceous earth is a good non-toxic dust to lay around the perimeter of the house...the downside is that it is rendered useless when it gets wet.

...and here I was thinking that it was an ex of mine. He wasted the waitress’s time/energy FIVE times—sending her back/forth because the red wine she kept pouring him was not to his liking.

I have a friend who uses big words when he gets drunk—because he cannot be that inebriated if he is speaking so dang eloquently. Of course, it has the opposite effect on me because I find it a hilarious giveaway that he is drunk.

On rainy days, I grab a handful of seashells (from a box I collected while in Florida) and put them in the sandbox in the local park., I slightly cover them so that the rain gives them the appearance of being newly unearthed, and I leave them for the kiddies to dig up.

...Great...so we finally get nice dresses with sleeves, but the cost is that the material has to subtracted from the body of the dress itself.

...I feel the need to apologize on behalf of the US for our “crazy exports” and their shenanigans.

My most effective thing to do was to get rid of boxes/plastic drawers. I had so much crap stuffed into things that would keep them out of sight—when I finally went in with the intent to get rid of the ugly containers, I found TONS of things that could be recycled/donated/tossed.

There is nothing wrong with your opinion, but it may not hold true for others.

I love my dogs too much to feed them these spammy abominations.