Only half as bad as getting caught smoking weed for the second time.

1/8th as bad actually.

More like 1/8th.

or MISSING a drug test, not failing, MISSING.

Ravens PR guy: "I liked Ray Rice a lot then. I like Ray Rice a lot today"

I dunno.I just had to.

For serious. The one time I tried Tindr and got a "match," I said "hey there, where in the area are you from?" and I thought that was being too forward. Little boys like this ruin it for the rest of us guys who can actually hold a conversation without demanding a blowjob.

I thought of that! I wish his name wasn't Tom. Atlanta, finance...we have details, just not enough. Too bad his name isn't Ebenezer or something.

A) What the fuck. You can practically see him stamping his feet via text message.

I'm not sure why Phil is hating on ISIS so much. They really seem like his kind of people.

In related news, Giants fans mourn the passing of Eli Manning.

The tide rolls slower in some places than others.

Wow, this is crazy. We usually have to wait until October to see Verlander make an ass of himself.

He also did Cat vs. Printer!

Yes. If you want to know whether we think of Blacks as Americans in the same was that we think of whites as American all you have to do is a simple thought experiment: Picture a man with a concealed weapon. Now picture him being white. Why does he have a concealed weapon? Because he's a gun-loving flag-waving…

"There are reasons why white gun's rights activists can walk into a Chipotle restaurant with assault rifles and be seen as gauche nuisances while unarmed black men are killed for reaching for their wallets or cell phones, or carrying children's toys."

"Mr. Welker! Mr. Welker! Can I have one?!"

Christ, all this over a couple of bonsai trees?

That would be awesome. Repeating email: "Are you alive?"

My best friend (and roommate at the time) died in 2007, and when his parents came to clean out his bedroom they asked if I knew the password to get into his laptop (which I did) but I lied and told them sorry, I don't know.. then once they left I called his older brother and said hey, I just want to give you a heads…