teams can't trade their 1st round picks from consecutive years.

I just hope it doesn't end up like Tommy Ramone and succumb to Vile Duck cancer.

the last one has to be an attempt at an Ignatius Reilly character. Or perhaps the man himself.

not to be a dick at all, but I've done many different pills, and norco is root beer to the whiskey of real opiates. If you liked it that much, please never do a real drug. You'll be a junkie in no time. Seriously.

as a separated parent living alone, this haunts me constantly when my son is over, which is often

That tragedy is why NASA switched to Sprite.

I'm an alcoholic, and the majority of times I had sex with my wife, I don't remember it. I had no clue she was raping me. Should I prosecute? (I know I'm gonna get so much shit for this comment. Fuck it.)

Or, you can fully cook your chicken and not have to worry about salmonella at all. But whatever.

Cops are like politicians: the people who want those jobs are usually the least qualified to have them.

What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne usually doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 12.

I was born in '77, so yes, I've heard and like all of those. I did grow out of my punk fixation at about 20, though. I still don't see the problem with Sublime. Why do you hate them so much? At the time they came out, there wasn't much like them. Yes, that whole genre has been aped and raped, but I still like me some…

Please enlighten me as to what His Nibs deems good music. Oh wait, let me guess, I've probably "never heard of them," right?

He really pulled the family together.

You must be wonderful at parties.

Come on, please don't lump Sublime in with all that other garbage. Yeah, I know, but still.

Lindy. PLEASE keep doing these. At least once a week. I'm a fan of yours in general, but holy shit your movie reviews are fucking hilarious. Like, next level hilarious. You strike the perfect tone. I loved the part about him being related to the geese; I was wondering if a gosling pun would come up, and you nailed it…

As long as he doesn't buy a house or register a car in TX. I lived there 6 years, and property and vehicle taxes far offset any benefit of having no state tax. If you live in TX you should know: they get their money, one way or another. It's not a cheap place to live by any means.

You yankees sure do get uppity. No wonder we were forced to fight you. (just wondering how deep your ability to not understand these things we others call "jokes" can go)

Reminds me of the comedian (maybe Louis CK? Not sure) who was talking about how the fleshlight can be disguised as a flashlight, so if you get caught, it doesn't look weird, just looks like you're fucking a flashlight. Anyone know who that was?

Elyjah was just trying to be as cold as Ice.