It's weird that Fox News hasn't exploited chemophobia. It could turn them on to a left-leaning audience.

Yoga mats contain soy. Chemophobes: The climate change denialists of the left. An I sadly say this as a liberal.

From about junior high into my early 20s, I somehow attracted pathological, compulsive liars as friends at an inordinately high rate. The most memorable one was a former EMT who I actually became roommates with until I figured out he was totally full of shit. One night, before I became his roommate, we were smoking…

Did most of the people who told you that become parents at a younger age? I'm genuinely curious because my wife and I, and most of our friends, waited until after 30 to have our first kid and I literally have never heard or felt that sentiment remotely. Well, a couple friends I have who had kids in their 20s regret…

Are you saying you have a stake in this?

Of course you picked the exact things I wasn't talking about. I guess I should have clarified. I have almost 10 years experience as a bartender and server, and I completely understand how truly annoying/dickish some customers can be. But including asking someone to make a drink stronger on the list of 12 things not to…

13. If you want to be a rule-obsessed haughty dipshit, don't work in a bar. Become a cop.

I want to open a Japanese funeral home called "Don't Stop Bereaving."

I had to. I just had to.

*someone's

Send in the motherfucking Navy SEALS. At most, Boko Haram has a couple thousand members. No need for a large force, just send in SEALS and Army Rangers, and Boko Haram's leadership would be decimated within months. Of course we should get involved. Nigeria is already an ostensible ally. Maybe we should act like that.…

the Sandwich Triangle is responsible for more pickle and toothpick disappearances than any quadrant in the entire sandwich maritime area.

This reminds me of my stepdad. Born and raised in the Deep South, and raised on and listened to only bluegrass, gospel, and old country. If I mentioned anyone he hadn't heard of, like Stevie Ray Vaughn or Jimi Hendrix, he would screw his face up in the most awful scowl and derisively ask "Who!?" as if he was offended…

The difference is, I knew that and chose to ignore it. Like you just did with capitalization in your response.

you could benefit from that yourself. Then you might learn the term "en masse."

And where are all the pictures of lottery winners holding handfuls of cash? I guess some people believe that actually happens too.

The sad thing is, you could probably convince some Alex Jones clones to actually believe this.

People still buy into the overpopulation myth? I kinda thought that was a 70s eugenics thing.

And don't fight. It's true; otherwise they leave you alone. It's the only city I've ever been to (and I've been many times) where the cops seem to genuinely want people to have a good time. all the cops are from there; they know the culture.

Your mother seemed to manage just fine.