Sir, you are a true Patriot and a worthy adversary. I hope you realize that beer will only be utilized as a chaser. Whiskey will be the drink, or vodka for you if you need a handicap. We will awake at 4 am, if we actually went to sleep thursday night (yes this is friday morning, the day before the game), and we start…

You can leave your judgementalism with daryl 68.

fifth highest crime rate? It has to be higher than that. Who Dat!

Cirrhosis, sure. But Diabetes? That's just fucking racist. Sure, black people in the South have incredibly high rates of diabetes, but it's just fucking cruel to point that out. Cirrhosis jokes only next time, pal.

"Some fans still conscious enough to celebrate?"

You completely misunderstand. This young lady naturally has a resistance to mosquitoes, due to a preponderance of deet in her blood. She doesn't understand why no one else has it, and every time an insect repellant is advertised she can't help but scream "Fuck Off!"

You see what happens when Pirates make the playoffs? SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BOOTY.

I grew up on Ray Stevens and Jerry Clower. I consider them both comedy geniuses. "It's Me Again, Margaret" is so fucking funny, even though it deals with a creepy stalker.

"I do feel badly for the state of Arkansas. You try to divorce your wife, and dagnabbit, she's still your sister!"

Boogity boogity.

Why do old people always think FMK is a real-life game?

Since it's my home state, I have to give the refs the benefit of the doubt and say they were probably drunk.

I wonder, if he hadn't gotten offered the USC job if he'd still be at Tennessee and if they'd be better.

I would have guessed that all Closers are NIN fans.

"Wait, their mascot sang 'Whip It?'"

The only Dane cook I've ever liked was this guy in Denmark that prepared the most succulent dog.

I agree. This makes me hate Fox News a tiny bit less. Maybe Murdoch is getting softer in his old age.

"Let's just say it's throat cancer," Michael's doctor solemnly says.

Which is exactly what makes their claims of oppression so funny. The only thing I'd disagree with you about is that maybe they're not the man, but more like one of the tools The Man uses to keep poor people of all colors pitted against and hating each other.

Fucking ninjas. You can never tell what their next move will be