Fucking hilarious.

Female spider: "I'ma eat your ass."

You totally misunderstand. They totally support all those things where THEY live, but all us other fuckers need to stop depending so much on the government.

Sophia Vergara is my #1 celebrity crush. By far.

It's a ridiculously overdone way of saying that there are two sides to every story. Literally, Dr. Phil came up with that labored metaphor to say that there are two sides to every story.

My mom literally quoted Dr. Phil a week ago. She said "I heard Dr. Phil say today that no matter how thin a pancake was, it still had two sides." She said this to me as I was talking to her about issues with my wife. She really thought she was saying something profound.

Yes. Their deaths are always so much more satisfying than their lives. People in the tabloid news business depend on the cluelessness of these celebrities. Stop trying to deny these fine Americans money, and let nature take its course.

anti-polish? They don't like their furniture and silver to shine? No Turtle Wax?

It's not my criteria at all (sorry, I don't see "color" har har) just going by the old-school, deeply felt, Southern-style racism that I grew up around. Italians were very much ridiculed and shit-talked about by them. Not to the extent that blacks were, but old-school white racists don't like Italians. They're too…

Ohhhhh, a fractured tibia. I thought she had landed wrong on the balance beam.

"Funny, calling off a Ray never worked for me."

Not a goddamn Somalian among them. Pirates? Me thinks not.

Strictly speaking from personal experience, most Italians and Italian-Americans and Italian descendants I've ever met go out of their way to brag about these stereotypes. I've heard many times phrases like "I have Italian blood; we get really emotional," "Italian men are real men," "Italian women know how a woman is…

Kind of off-topic, but I find racist Italians hilarious. So much "White supremacy" stuff going on in Italy now with all the African immigrants moving there. English and German-descended people look at them and say "You...you think you're white? Seriously?"

You...you may have answered your own question?

I'm still trying to figure out what "ducks tomatoes" are. Is that something they put on their bill?

Me, my wife, and our son were in a Dr's appt at a cheap-ass clinic, since we are a Medicare family (or Medicaid, whichever is for poor people.) We still laugh about the black doctor there referring to us as "You People." As soon as she said it, she started crawfishing. Still, it was funny as shit to be white and be…

You say that like every human has the mental capacity to get a college degree. If you can barely read to begin with, or, more likely, just have no reading comprehension skills, how exactly are you supposed to acquire an actual, real college degree? You'd need years and years of remedials just to comprehend what you're…

I think they'd be throwing corn cobs and pork shanks, no?

Well well well. Oil's well that ends well. Maybe you chose the wrong platform to stand on. Don't worry, you can always rig something up if you have to. You shouldn't drill people this hard, though. It just creates a Gulf between you and others. If you're not careful, you could become a shale of your former self. You…