Drink whatever the fuck you want. I do not give two goats shits. Water is delicious. Why is it ridiculous to drink water?

Yes, it's the fries. And also anything else at McDonalds. I eat fast food more than I should, but goddamn in it awful for you. Even the salads (the calorie counts on the salads don't include dressing, which is LOADED with fat and calories.)

A casualty of friendly fire in the Tilman Tunnel. Dear lord.

Ha! I know exactly what you mean. In darker times in my life I worked in fast food, and it's amazing how many absolute fatasses ordered something like a large double-quarter pounder combo with a DIET Coke. I think they truly believe the "diet" part negates all the other calories. These are the same people who…

"Here at Michigan, we were denied a chance to hit that." He lost me there.

And I hate women because I have a penis, apparently.

My dad is a retired state trooper. I'd kinda rather he not electrocute someone on the flimsiest of notions. Of course, they didn't have tasers in his day, yet somehow he only ever drew his gun once. Nowadays, they are trained to always draw their guns and/or tase people. The culture is different now among law…

Stone-Faced Ellis. Now there's a fantasy team name.

He was trying to figure out how magnets work.

I hope he includes the fact that the pilgrims considered bathing a sin, and the Indians commented on how bad they smelled. (true story)

I am strangely fascinated by Marissa Mayer. I've always been attracted to powerful women.

Actually pretty damn funny. Like something I would read on /b/ if the people there were actually creative.

this is example #1 of why EGR is my absolute favorite of all the Gawker suite of writers.

Also reminds me of a few years back when the NBA All-Star game was in New Orleans and ESPN was asking various athletes and celebrities from NOLA what their favorite restaurant was. The best response (can't remember who it was) said "Just tell them to go to Popeyes; that's where we all go." So fucking true.

On a side note, I'm from LA but where I live now the nearest Popeyes in an hour and a half from me. They should not be allowed to advertise here. I know it's sad, but Popeyes reminds me of home so much. Their red beans and rice...fucking magical.

I'm not even trying to be an ass, and I'm certainly not jealous. His head looks like when I used to play with He-Man dolls and I would squish their rubber heads down on themselves. Does his face not look vertically compressed to anyone else?

Crouching Husker, Hidden Loogie

I totally sucked at playing cricket. No matter how hard I rubbed my legs together, they barely made a sound.

Thought Kelly Ripa was talking about vaginal reconstruction surgery, then I re-read it.

I ate a couple of those. They were magical.