plz record this and send it to us plz

Somewhere in rural Virginia, there is a gruff redneck lady who just got a new cellphone, and she keeps buttdialing my office number. After getting past my mandated long-ass voicemail greeting, she ends up leaving lengthy messages that consist of lighthearted cursing and talking to her fella (Benny) and also…

I have been known to, on a regular basis, pick my cat Simba up in the air and sing out the begining bits of "The Lion King" and end with "All of his, is your kingdom SIMMMM BAAAAA!"

That's brilliant! I also need a masturbation theme.

Um. Last October I wrote a Foodspin telling people how to eat Halloween candy. I think your concerns might be just a tad misplaced.

Cook scrambled eggs, place over nice crispy hash browns, liberally cover in Hunts brand ketchup. Best way to eat scrambled eggs.

I had a cop suspect me of having drugs once (still don't use them). What struck me about the cop's mentality was that he didn't think that I had tossed drugs out of the car; he knew it.

An RN commenting on the original article pointed out that the doctors should lose their licenses, that performing a medical procedure against the will of the patient is illegal, regardless of pressure from law enforcement.

i'm getting tired of seeing this shit on every fucking article. not everyone on the internet knows about your seedy ass rss feeds, shut the fuck up and deal with it or move on.

I hate when people sue over stupid shit. This isn't stupid. I hope the officers and doctors all lose their jobs and this guy gets 8 figures.

Couldn't the doctors be slammed with a malpractice suit as well, for not reading and understanding the warrant?

LOL. Yeah it was actually engine trouble that got us out of sailing. We had an inboard Yanmar 15 that threw a rod. It was going to cost more to rebuild it than we originally paid for the boat!

Sailboats are actually fairly inexpensive for what you get and the engineering that goes into them. Power is what costs a lot, even crappy power (think Mercury engines) cost a fortune. 10 years ago, the difference in a Merc 115 & Merc 135 was $20k. This was on a basic fishing boat. There's cheap boats to be had, even…

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!

I mean, to be fair, I am a fucking idiot for wandering into a comment section full of judgmental asshole comments and suggesting that we maybe don't be such judgmental assholes. I don't know what I expected.

Wtf happened here? It's like I'm reading Gawker. How did you manage to tread on these guys' toes with a completely inoffensive post?!

"Have teenagers literally ever in history been humble and sensitive?"

Why can't the simple answer ever be "They're just self absorbed narcissists with the personality of an in-grown toenail?"

ESPN Fact Checker: Rick, did your father-in-law really say that quote as you've constructed it?

Which would itself be evidence of opposition to the name among tribal communities, something Reilly claims doesn't exist.