Damn, Kotaku. You really, really suck at reading satire tonight.

Age: 18

Score! I turn 34 in October.

"Ninja pussy I'm stabbin'" had me dying of laughter.

WOW these look GREAT!!! Just kidding, they look like pieces of shit!

Well, if it actually matters to you the logo is still on the sides. :)

Jesus fuck, is there nobody on the Gawker staff capable of writing about science? The majority of zoos, accredited zoos, don't exist as some sad tiny cage Victorian animal freakshow where kids can go to watch monkeys hump. These are zoos with highly active research programs to learn more about un-researched…

I hate gawker's biased coverage of all this. Just because the shooter was a lighter skin tone than the deceased you're going to automatically assume that the shooter was acting maliciously, and not out of self defense? No one will know what happened that night, but I think it's entirely possible that Zimmerman was…

Are we rejoicing?

I didn't exactly enjoy the 4th season, but it ended with a number of cliffhangers. I'm so invested in these characters, I'd absolutely watch a 5th.

Ugh. this last Netflix season was such a disappointment. I am forcing myself to watch every episode out of love for the show, but man, what a wash.

Your country is fucked.

In order to not be a slut at all, at age 28, you can have had, at most: 3 sex partners, 5 kissing partners, and 5 oral sex partners.

Mom of the Year was also announced a short time later:

The last time I swallowed 69 wieners the only thing I got was herpes. :(

I love 69ing a big ol' wiener.

I got so much poon using this

Everyone in D.C. knows... it's WMATA.