I'm going to let these folks in on what is not any kind of secret at all: Fallen has never worked in a restaurant.

I've gotten my boyfriend down from well done to medium. I'm pushing for med-rare but medium is fine. Well done makes me want to break up with him.

When I worked at a major coffee chain, there was an old woman who'd come in sometimes with her husband. And each time, she'd insist we brew her a new pot of decaf coffee because, "I have a heart condition and my doctor says I can't have a lot of caffeine." A) you're ordering decaf. B) the caffeine content of decaf…

"our 10 oz. filet Mignon, cooked "Extra, extra, EXTRA well-done"

Say more.

well shit, there goes my productive afternoon. *reading glasses on and comfy pants on"

When he gave me a watch engraved with the wrong name engraved. He also was stupid enough to forget the special personal card in the box as well addressed to someone else.

I hope this is a huge troll and you have to mail the iPad back with the box checked yes or no in order to RSVP.

The week before my period is a confusing hellish mix of horniness and severe depression. I've never had cramps, but boy do I weep and masturbate like a confused beast. The ovaries always find a way to get you, always.

I heard somewhere that the nerve endings inside your vagina become more sensitive during menstruation as well. So I always figured that because of the nerves and the extra lube, the body just translates it as- perfect time for fucking.

Right?! That was my first thought. If there are numerous sex offenders residing in the vicinity of this park, maybe you should redirect your efforts to enforcing THOSE laws!

WHATTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Learning that was a thing just now was jarring.

Actually, seeing a baby boner is really jarring. I had no idea morning wood was a thing even on infants until I became a mom.

My uncle had a sign by his pool- "This is our OOL. Notice that there is no 'P' in it."

I don't know if I could be that apathetic with a toilet brush in my ass.

Hahahahaha, Tel Aviv University would do this study. My dad was born near Tel Aviv and I never won an argument with that stubborn motherfucker in his entire life.

Nothing "causes that." People who cohabitate before marriage probably have higher divorce rates because many very religious people who are against living together as an unmarried couple are ALSO against divorce. Doesn't mean they're any happier. Correlation =/= causation.

Yeah. I caught my father (who is Canadian) bitching about how natives don't have to pay taxes and my response was: