I would have killed for that number in a race. Its okay to be fueled by Satan for a little bit for positive things, like winning races.

Nottingham University researchers found that women of white European ancestry got pregnant after a single round of IVF 43.8% of the time. That's compared to 35% of women from other backgrounds.

Your boyfriend is fucking hilarious.

Westbrook, rondo, rose, curry, parker, and paul (im sure im leaving a couple out) on any given night can look far and away like the best point guard in the nba. Its a good time to be a basketball fan with so much incredible talent. The best part about it is while they all play the same position none of their playing…

Cheese turtles hide when the toejam tornado goes a-riding. Blow, picklewhistle, blow! I prefer my rubadubs toasted. Would you like a squirrel ride?

Woah, woah, wait a minute. He pays someone money to do that to his hair?

If you keep the placenta attached because chimpanzees do it, does that mean I can fling my poop at you when we disagree?

Is it weird that I think Jason Statham and Melissa McCarthy would not only be really great costars, but also highly effective real-life buddy cops?

*Kim Kardashian's wedding peplum and bedazzled Margiela wedding face-mask.

The moment that epitomizes cat behavior is that once he gets the door open, he has no pressing desire to actually leave the room. The dog trots out immediately and the cat sits there, admiring his own evil genius.

Wow, it's almost as if after you're done being pregnant you end up with a baby. Biology is crazy, huh?

moran

Hey yo! I grew up in Wasilla and feel your pain. My grandma, who still lives up there, says, "Tell them we aren't like that!!"

Someone help me here.

Was "Elisabeth Hasselbeck acting as the 'voice of moderation'" the fifth or the sixth sign of the Apocalypse? Or the eighth? I can't recall.

I've forgotten my mythology . . . .

The solution is to just have one book with all these tips. A lot of the girls' options already go hand in hand with the boys'.

Waiting for Obama to walk to the Hill.

Jezebel needs a science writer.

I guess my main take away is: people actually think New Girl is funny? I watched the first season and maybe some of the second, I'm not sure, but mostly for Schmidt. He was the only redeeming character. The whole, "Oh look at me, I'm so quirky and crafty and beautiful but can't get my shit together" schtick got old…

OMG you're right; Lindy meant that totally 100% seriously. She had no idea that white people ever went to jail. Thank god you were here to tell her. Now she knows. Phew. Saved.