Once I was in the loo at the airport and I farted. A woman in another stall said loudly, “That’s disgusting! Who did that?”. I laughed so hard that I farted again and she declared, “I do not have to listen to this!” and stormed out.

My parents never did that for me and now I question their love for me.

Baba Yaga for the win.

One of my favorite memories of my childhood is when my grandmother tricked me into thinking I’d grown carrots in our garden in the span of three hours.

Trick me next! This sounds awesome. I like this kind of trickery.

A more fitting punishment is to tell them they are getting 5 years probation and then jail them for a year. That would be a great reaction vid.

I don’t like to trust in post life punishment. Rather just put them in jail now.

Are whoopee cushions still okay? You can pry them from my cold dead hands. Those cold dead hands by the way will have hand buzzers. And paper snakes will shoot out of my asshole.

“They’re the best friends I’ve ever had. Nobody in my life has ever stood by me more.”

Yes, but it’s a badge of honor around here.

Don’t insult Waffle House like that

Not saying that Sinead would have been the megastar she thinks she would have been without tearing the picture up.

The winner gave a good response too to a question about the Paris Climate Agreement, saying it was wrong for the US to have pulled out given the evidence we have about climate change.

You want to make this joke really dark and funny at the same time?

Oh, and I spilled his french fries and he wasn’t even mad.

There is literally no way that man came from Woody Allen. I’ll continue to believe he’s Sinatra’s kid til I die.

Isn’t this what being shaded is all about? At a deep brain reptilian level, I do think that Donald Trump fears he is a total piece of shit, and no one likes him. This shade hits the bull.

I choose to believe that the “BO” sign-off doesn’t actually stand for Barrack Obama, but is instead literally Bo, his dog. Obama himself was just staring at the page for ages trying to think of what you even say to a man like Trump and then on having to go off any do other important things, then just got the dog to…

Everytime I hear clips of W, I throw up in my mouth a little. He ruined my 20s and I assumed that he would be the dumbest president of my lifetime. Now he sounds like a goddamned genius.

I hate Donald Trump and wake up every day not understanding how Americans voted to make him President.

I keep thinking he’ll mature, (at 71), and begin to understand how the world works, and I’m disappointed that he’s in a constant state of regression.