I'll never be 1/100th the badass she is.

and I was just complaining about how I had a hard time waking up this morning...I'm an asshole

If this was a crime, they really pulled it off.

I definitely get to have an opinion about a friend who would post pics on Facebook of her baby crowning in her vagina. But of course, my opinion centers around her poor social media skills, not her birth.

This is a blatant guerilla advertisement scheme for Wheat Thins..you'll be stunned how good they are. No?

I saw Insane Masturbatory Rampage open for Slayer in '92.

Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.

You really need an anatomy lesson, vasectomies have nothing to do with the penis, other than it has to be held out of the way.

I'm technically 40. But I vote like a 25 year-old. Does that count?

HE'S SO HAPPY

"I better hurry and tell all the ladies in the world what my penis thinks of them, so they can base their self-worth around it! You're welcome, ladies."

YAS

I'm in. We're in Arizona. Christmas items were up at Home Depot and other stores at the beginning of October. That stinks.

I was a young women in the middle of the grunge zeitgeist of the 90s, and that is the single worst song of that era.

So I'm not very helpful about premonitions, but my dad died 100% unexpectedly last ear. Super fit, same as your dad. I will offer a bit of advice should it come true. I don't even know how, but get him to talk about you as an adult. Does that make any sense? Like what does he think of you, your decisions, how you live…

This happened in my junior year of high school.

As some of you know, I grew up in a very rural part of northern Utah. My family were transplants from California, and because we weren't mormon, we never really fit in. I spent a lot of time alone as a child and had a reputation for being a bit strange. We had started out in a cabin in the woods, far from everyone…

I had a cat. A black cat. It was not your ordinary black cat. Her name was Natasha. At the time we lived in Laurel Maryland in a 3-story garden apartment that overlooked an elementary school. To prevent Natasha from jumping from the third-floor balcony to go catting around, which she occasionally did, I got into the…

I was staying in a hotel last year and was up working very late into the night. Finally, around 3 or 4am, I turned off the light and tried to get some sleep. The thing is, as soon as I did, I heard breathing. Rhythmic breathing, coming from the corner of the room. I tried to pretend it was the heater or a noise…