Or because Portugal is really pretty average outside of Ronaldo. This team isn't nearly as good as the 2002 version the US beat.

You should probably check out what Tim Howard has been doing at Everton lately.

That's cool, it's not like fans of either team actually get to go, anyway.

+1 for remembering her name and for bringing out that fantastic response from John.

I'm sad to admit it took me a sec to get this.

If there's one thing LeBron learned from his teammates, it's that you should definitely be nice to moms. You never know what could happen.

I think, at this point, it's officially "the corpse of Michael Essien".

I'm just happy Stringer Bell looks like he was finally able to abandon the crime game.

In (possibly?) related news, Skip Bayless is currently donning a ball gag.

The kid pretty clearly needs an iPhone for the auto-correct alone.

Totally stealing this from someone last year, but Caskers.com has some great holiday gifts if you like high-end liquor. Nothing is cheap, but there's some really neat stuff they offer.

You know what stuffing that doesn't go in a teddy bear is called? Fucking cotton. Dressing doesn't deserve to be called stuffing.

This will be my 29th year of eating stuffing. Real stuffing, not dressing. No salmonella.

I like beer. I like whiskey. Sold.

Two words: Lavonte David.

What are some good Thanksgiving-y cocktails that I can drink to pretend to be drinking to be festive when really I'm just drinking to deal with being around my family?

Thanks man. And nice name.

Okay. Maybe I just didn't know what I was doing. Thanks a lot. I'm taking this to family Thanksgiving so I'm trying not to fuck it up.

Maybe I need to let it soften some, then. I used really cold butter the last time and it was an enormous pain. Not literal pain, but just really, really fucking annoying.

Do you have any tips for cutting the butter into the topping? That is one of the most painful experiences in cooking I've ever endured. There has to be an easier way.