My number 1 is Keith Olbermann. The same crunching of glasses, and knocking that smug self-satisfied smirk off his face would be orgasmic. Stephen A. Smith is up there too, if only to get him to shut the hell up.

Matt Cassel was 11-5 and look at how shitty he is.

Same here. Money.

He IS a completely-awful-backup quarterback though.

Adibisi?

In high school, I went out to eat with my girlfriend, and our goddamn waitress was a science teacher at our high school! That was awkward.

Do you have any terrible neighbors? Do you have any tips on dealing with terrible neighbors? I'm on the verge of becoming an arsonist because of mine.

SO MUCH CRYING

If your speech goes anything more than 5 minutes, you're going to lose your audience no matter how amazing you think the stories are. There's plenty of time for stories just conversing with people at the wedding. The advice in the story is pretty much a perfect amount of time for one of these. At my brother's wedding,…

Then the semis need to be either table matches or TLC matches. Nothing beats watching someone go through a table.

I know there's no way this is happening, but I love this idea. Japan wins.

It's probably because I'm a white dude in the Midwest, but I don't know a single person who cares about the NBA. I blame Bill Simmons for ESPN's fellating of the league.

Yuniesky Betancourt has 8 home runs and is batting .266, small sample size is a bitch.

You really should be ashamed because Ryan Howard and Delmon Young are terrible.

His own coach thought he was a bitch for that, as evidenced by him never playing again for Oregon.

Yeah, it's Georgia Tech-esque, huh?

Yeah, that happens a lot to the #8 team in rushing yards.

It's a human fetus. Embryonic stem cells are the only way that fuck is still alive.

Wank needs more love! Especially because it has an associated gesture.

You're an idiot. You start assaulting other people, they (and anyone around) are fully within their rights to defend themselves.