As we all know, Simplicius I went on to be elected president of the United States in 2000. I’m surprised that the current U.S. president, Simplicius II, isn’t on this list.

Add “where the on-deck circle is” to the list of things Tim Tebow knows, which is this: where the TV cameras are, how it feels like to suck at two sports, and what Jesus smells like.

Counterpoint: It wasn’t not funny.

When you say things like “anything or anyone that doesn’t rank Lebron James as the best player in the NBA is a joke,” it seems like you’re taking a religious approach rather than a scientific one.

As a white liberal, I find this take that “white liberalism is never to be trusted” offensive and counterproductive. I will never understand people who try to alienate their allies in the fight for freedom and equality. There’s room for criticism, absolutely, but don’t lump everyone together like that. On top of being…

PER — which takes turnovers and missed shots into account — ranks Westbrook as the No. 1 player in the NBA. He’s also No. 1 by a variety of other metrics. But tell me more about why he sucks.

I’ll take Wild Generalizations for $1,000, Alex.

Every time Mike Pence laughs, it feels like he’s forcing himself to do it by recalling fond memories of dismembering puppies in his basement.

Here’s where we remind everyone that Dellin Betances struck out 126 guys in 73 innings last season. Fucking worthless, right?

Good one, man. Strong.

If you don’t understand the principle of fairness behind progressive taxation, I don’t think I can help you.

You live in a society; you pay taxes on your income. That’s how it works. The government isn’t “taking it from you.”

I think Steve Jobs should not draw a salary because he is dead.

Because Venezuela is so directly comparable to the United States, right? We’re practically sister nations.

Yes, isn’t it crazy to think that we, in the most prosperous nation in the world, at the most prosperous moment of human history, might spread our prosperity around to all people instead of hoarding it in Panamanian banks? SO WEIRD.

My USB power bank has gotten my bag pulled by TSA a couple times recently.

Says the guy who’s trying to argue that the estate tax kills small businesses.

Ah, yes, that $10 million “small business.”

Yeah... so his dad totally molested him, right? That’s fucked up, man.