Don't feed wild animals.

"Greetings Professor Falken, shall we play a game"

Anastasia refers to her ass as her "behind," her vagina as her "sex." Her juvenile exclamations of "Jeez!" and "Oh, my!" and "Hmmm" are interspersed with the least specific descriptions of Christian Grey—the guy who threatens to beat her up for mouthing off or misbehaving—as the hottest man in the history of…

Clapping for your piece, dour face for the fact that you had to read those books to write it.

"Perhaps most unrealistically, its male protagonist is a 27-year-old man living in Seattle who wears ironed shirts, cleans his room, and has his shit together."

Here's what bothered me about this whole thing. I was a Twilight fan fic reader (sue me, we all have a "thing"). There is stuff out there that is 40 million times more well-written and infinitely hotter than this tripe. It just pains me that this is the thing that broke through commercially. Tragic.

"I think she likes sex already."

Erin, you have saved my life. This morning I realised that, to be able to properly make fun of Seven Shades of Shit, I was going to have to read it.

"I think she likes sex already."

No, no, no, you're all wrong. The most erotic sex scene ever in a movie is between Jude Law and Rachel Weisz in "Enemy at the Gates."

so can't have an abortion, can't give birth safely..... great

Atonement. The library. James McAvoy. Kiera Knightley. THAT DRESS.

Come on now. Last of the Mohicans. It's subtle but we all know what's going on under her striped skirt. Also, Unfaithful. Sexiest movie I ever awkwardly watched with my parents.

Clearly, CLEARLY the only logical answer is three. How can you compete with that owl? He had glasses! AND A GRADUATES SQUARE HAT THINGY. Obviously the owl received some form of higher education and is a far more trustworthy source.

Nevermind the nuclear explosion: the main character is a Muslim. In a book written by a white guy a hundred years ago.