If I'm putting in all that work already, I might as well use my newfound genetic mixology skills to make assholes stop assaulting people. It'll save a traumatic step in the whole process.

I miss the funny, often insightful comments that used to be the norm here. I guess discourse still exists, somewhere, but it's buried in replies and trolls. Gawker has ruined their commentariat with Kinja, and it is a shame.

I'm an Old and I hardly give any fucks about One Direction, but I look forward to this Zayn kid reaching age 25 or so. I think he's going to be quite worthy of my ogles.

No, there's no inside information here. I just think he's a gross individual. You raise valid points about working hard and if he truly does anything for charity then that's fantastic. Honestly, he really just seems like another egomaniac who's in love with his own farts. I'll root for him in the pool, but how many…

In my culture, population: me, the rate is 100% of people polled. I really don't mean this in a body snarking way. I personally cannot look at him and be like "jeah!" when I've seen what that personality consists of. Others can, which confounds me.

I hate reading things involving Ryan Lochte because all the comments mention that he's hot. Well, in my culture he is the opposite. It's really stupid on my part, but I hate seeing him get any positive reinforcement because he is the human equivalent of a genital wart— you know, everything starts off fine, you think…

I can't help it, I'm finding it impossible not to love Miley Cyrus. If I had her money/resources, I'd live on a huge chunk of land populated solely with rescues. I love that Miley promotes rescue and adoption and doesn't support the puppymill industry via pet stores! She seems to be growing into a decent human being,…

I've never been displeased by anything Lindy has ever written... until now. Ommegang is definitely not "some brewery." They have some truly heavenly brews.

This is neither here nor there, but I read all of that woman's quotes in Sylvia Fine's voice, from The Nanny.

It's my hometown, too. I've often criticized it because it seems that trivial things (like writing the day's date in flowers next to the park) take precedence over the safety of the city's residents. I used to think it was just things like snow plowing that they skimped on so they could use city money for "important,"…

I succumbed to. . . well, I don't even know what, last night and read all the insane-o headlines re:sandy (think "Sandy Brings Dire Forecast to Northeast"). Consequently, I got up at 8am (after sleeping for 1 hour!) and got to stockpiling. I think I have enough water for 4 families, my freezer is stocked with ice, I…

As a rule, I do not believe in ghosts. So, you'll have to understand how freaked I was to now be relaying this story to you.

I cannot believe that I didn't know about Ann's medical condition. This makes her even more repugnant in my eyes. I have an aunt with MS, who has spoken to our Senators and even Bill freaking Clinton (very briefly) about the importance of passing a universal healthcare program for families like hers. She can no longer…

Maybe I'm losing my marbles, but I swear in the picture where the bikini went from teal to purple, they also made the model's crotch. . . smaller? shorter? re-shaped? I didn't really see a problem with her original pubic bone.

His theories on evolution are just as valid as the crocoduck.

I posted on my fb feed just a couple days ago that I don't have anymore fucks to give, and I'm oddly comforted that someone else in the world has also realized that giving-fucks is a finite thing. I don't care that my friends are engaged, I don't give even half a fuck if they've climbed mountains, I don't have any…

"Sorry to shit on your white dress, but a spouse isn't forever. That gold medal is."— BOOM! This line just made my life a little happier.

Oh my god, The World, this is so awkward and embarrassing, but Nathan Adrian is actually MY imaginary bf!

This "diva" thing pissed me off when I heard it, too. Why is "ambition" a dirty word when it applies to women? The announcers further pissed me off when they commented on the way she shrugged off her coach. As someone who can be temperamental in my own life, I didn't see anything particularly obnoxious about it (I…

I don't really have anything super important to add, but I want to point out that I love Milania enough to own a t-shirt that says "Gimme pizza, you old troll." This kid is hilarious and makes for good tv.