This mother is such a stupid asshole. Portrait? REALLY?

I'd like to see some numbers on how many men at opening weekend were dragged by female significant others. My husband went (kicking and screaming) but ended up really liking it.

Swift is just mentoring, not judging. So she'll show up from time to time to offer encouragement and cookies and to remind us she has a new album. Also a mentor: Gavin Rossdale, who will teach the contestants about marrying up.

I've only got the one tattoo, so I'm no expert. I mean, maybe there's a good reason that Lady Gaga's bare ass has to be fully exposed while the artist works on her upper back. Maybe.

Well, it's not like they were filing taxes.

GRADE: C (sobbing while describing the plot of Hidalgo to a stranger)

Amal's wedding dress by Oscar de la Renta is much more lovely than my wedding dress by J. C. de la Penney.

I spent from 10 am to 430 shopping, cooking and cleaning while my husband played golf and watched football. He got high then snaked our drain (that is not a euphemism), but couldn't screw the drain trap cover back on and asked for my help. And he had left gobs and gobs of gross hair and other nasties in the drain, so…

eleven billionty.

"Hi, yeah, I'm just calling to confirm that I'm getting a check for 94 million dollars that I'm obtaining totally legally. Yes, I'll hold. Okay. I'll wait while you transfer me. Hi, yeah, I'm calling about my check for 94 million dollars that isn't at all one bit suspicious. Oh you're not gonna mail it? Okay, so I can…

Everything I know about Scandal, I've learned from Donna Meagle. For instance:

As painful as it is for me too admit, I tried watching Scandal and hated every second of it, but I'm so glad to see it's a successful show. Nothing makes me happier to see successful shows by a black person not named Tyler Perry.

Ultimate fall dog:

I adore Coco Rocha!

Same for after the "Touch ya curls" hair-touching during Urban Outfitter's rap.

The side-eye after "Laticia" was so perfect!

OMG, bawling like a baby here. Saddest part, okay two parts...first when the dog picks up the toy for 1/2 second and puts it down, too depressed to play. Second when the dog picks its head up at the headlights, then lays its head down again disappointed. Oh man, did not need this today. Just having the sadz today.

AWWWWWW!!!!!