People Magazine Issues New Mission Statement:

“Wait until they elect a president younger than you.” - my dad.

Theories about why Kevin Spacey made Nine Lives:

Recommendation for a new title: Paul and Terry’s Botchin’ Road Trip.

The only way you’re using that mace to survive a fight with Harambe is if you cover it in sequins and throw it as a distraction, thus giving you (hopefully) enough time to escape the combat zone.

I think he looks like a snake-human wearing a thirty-year-old latex mask.

I always wear cargo shorts.

Where is “Virgina?”

Ironically, it looks like Ailes is the one in danger of getting his ass fondled this time.

Was this the droid you were looking for?

The tabloids have been predicting an Aniston pregnancy since 1994. No wonder she finally snapped.

While kneeling in front of the toilet is my preferred barf position, sometimes you have to stand. The last time I threw up was in the men’s room of a local Mexican restaurant, and there was no way I was getting on my knees in there. With all the poorly-aimed urine, I bet I would be stuck to that floor like a cockroach…

Iranian Hostage Crisis.

Ashley Graham is rapidly becoming my new celebrity crush. Gotta love a big girl unafraid to rock the bikini.

I once had a boss get on my case because I didn’t ask off for my grandfather’s funeral two weeks in advance per company policy.

Any playlist is subjective... but I would have included Basil Poledouris’ incredible score to Conan the Barbarian.

I work at a cable company, so we always have our TVs on. One of my co-workers commented that this was one of her husband’s favorites, even though she absolutely hates it.

My worst home mechanic injury: I was working on my wife’s Durango and brushed the inside of my forearm against a hot exhaust pipe. It was just a light touch, but it quickly bloomed into an awesome 2nd-degree burn.

I believe that’s where Sarah Palin will be buying hers for said convention.

I wash my baseball caps in my dishwasher’s top rack. Works awesome.