Not only can it be incredibly shitty, but you can't quit. Once you're a mom, that's it—it's irrevocable.

Ha, no, I've had many moments of sheer panic thinking, oh god, I'm going to die in this treacherous fucking tit-smashing device, and they'll find my sweaty body on the bathroom floor in my underwear with half a boob escaping from under the band. But! I recently discovered a new model where the straps Velcro in the…