You sound like a lot of fun at parties.

There are people who hate Five Guys? I thought it was the 0ne restaurant that unites both pretentious foodie assholes and mouth-breathing Guy Fieri fans in support of those tasty burgers.

I think the bland here deserves an asterisk - when you add the Red Devil hot sauce that's prominently placed on every table, the sandwich becomes great. But yeah, if you didn't do that or know to do it, it's a lot of starchiness cut only by the slaw.

WHERE'S YAH SENSE OF HUMAAAAAHHHH?

Kabul would beg to differ.

Obama would still surpass every one of those guys for media frenzy, even Bieber:

Will metal ever reunite musicianship skills with actual singing? There are lots of metal bands these days with awesome instrumentals, but then Cookie Monster shows up again on lead vocals and ruins it for me. Hetfield and Araya more or less sing, and their bands are clearly the inspiration for most metal today - what…

This feels like a really, really yinzer thing to do. Do you live in Blawnox or McKees Rocks by chance?

Outrace an offensive lineman? Possible but unlikely. Beating Jason Pierre-Paul or even Casey Hampton in a race? No way.

How many Diet Cokes in a day does it take to go from "JUST CRUSHIN' DIET COKES BRAH!" to "Brah, I think you have a Diet Coke problem, brah."?

One day at age 22 or so I found I had accidentally carried home my gym towel, so after washing it, I used it as a jizz rag for the next five years. Highly absorbent, easily washed and environmentally friendly. When I got rid of it after getting married, I was legitimately saddened.

I had the best anecdote during my 2nd-round audition (the time I was on Letterman) and thought I was a sure thing for the show. Those fuckers didn't buy it, but I'll be back.

There aren't even official guidelines for "organic" - any old brand-management asshole can slap that on the packaging and go to town on the hot mom who's upper-middle-class and well-intentioned but takes eating tips from Us Weekly. So there's no need to buy off the FDA or USDA because neither of them verify any of it.

What's the point of changing your name on Facebook? So maybe you get a few media inquiries you refer elsewhere, so what?

Brilliant.

Give this girl a job at Deadspin!

Seriously, she's fucking hilarious.

Looking at my music library, I think D is the best for variety and general awesomeness. Your rap collection is solid with the inclusion of DJs Everyone, plus Dr. Dre, Dr. Octagon and DMX (if you're an idiot who likes terrible rap). Destiny's Child provides the hot-girls-dancing quotient. You get a great punk…

Yeah, this was a strong punch in the gut.

Shit, that's hardly better. Smashing them one at a time with the rock would be instant death if you did it right.

Indeed.