As a guy who spent twenty minutes writing a not-particularly-funny list of snarky answers, I believe I’m qualified to proclaim that you are a dick.

Allow me, The Internet.

In all fairness, how often does Serena wear pants on the tennis court?

Coaches have won in the past, most recently in 2011 with Coach K and Pat Summitt.

I'd still take his word over Hulk Hogan’s any day.

Someone forward this to the WWE creative team ASAP.

I’m absolutely terrified of static electricity. I can’t just reach out and grab a metal door, I have to tap the frame, then gingerly reach for the handle. I'd rather take on an armed gunman with nothing but a stapler than open a case in the freezer section.

Another great thing about adulthood? You can buy your own pucks. It’s great, you should try it.

[Trestman] is now the Ravens’ offensive coordinator.

No it’s not and you smell.

“The customer is always right” needs to be changed to “the customer needs bitchslapped if necessary.”

True, while kids are inundated with beer ads at ballparks, at least no one is actively dosing them with it.

I would like to personally offer to garrote every one of these goddamn idiots. I only charge travel expenses and laundry fees.

Gordon’s is my preferred brand of gin. I can’t speak on notes, but it goes down smooth and it’s $10 a bottle.

Cubs gonna Cub.

George Lucas has been reduced to “stand over here and let us know if R2 is wobbling right.” That bodes well for this film’s quality.

Next person to mention Wawa without also mentioning Sheetz is geeting a Shmuffin shoved up their ass.

He hasn’t been this distraught since James Bond kicked his car over the cliff in For Your Eyes Only.

I had the “pleasure” of watching Dyson pitch in May, when he was a Marlin, against the Pirates. He came in the seventh and immediately gave up three runs. As soon as I saw his name, I knew the Blue Jays were going to win.

“BUT THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO PLAAAAAAAAAY!”