Being funny, and occasionally serious. The nerve of this guy. And this article is funny AND serious! Who does he think he is !?

A coworker of mine was telling me how he was a troublesome child and said, to my complete WTFness, "I had to kneel on a lot of beans and rice." I pictured a child with one knee on each of the side dishes usually served with a taco platter.

We can't know without being sure what really happened, but if two people were having sex with the doors open in my neighborhood I'd probably call the cops regardless of the race (or sex) of any participant. I hardly ever call the cops for anything, but if that's what happened that's going too far.

Officer: Somebody called the police saying there was lewd acts in the car.

She was flagged for unbelievable motion in the backfield.

Wasn't aware of the Limbaugh thing. To quote True Detective: "Every time I think you've hit a ceiling, you, you keep raising the bar. You're like the Michael Jordan of being a son of a bitch."

I thought Bartman got a raw deal, even though I hate the Cubs.

So Pharrell was talking about Throbbin' Icke when he said "It always works for me-heee, Dakota to Decatur"?

I can live with that. I won't be using them. I'm just hoping for a squeeze or two on my rigor mortis hard-on.

She has a long shelf life, as she is pickled.

I can only hope that my corpse gets handled by Lohan.

Ugh, these dumbasses. Totally easy to screw with aspirin between the knees.

You don't know how goddamn hard it is to resist right now putting up a picture of a vagina holding a pen.

Dig this, haters: a photo of the actual field from the incident in question has surfaced:

Yeah, this has been pointed out to me. I feel like a real tool. I can only hope that the real football-field-dong for this story also has a money shot.

Why do you ruiners have to ruin everything?

1) The dong is sideline-to-sideline, thus it is not a hundred yard dong, as a high school football field has an official width of 53.33 yards. (This is unsurprising, as such things are often smaller than advertised.)

This picture illustrates the growing economic dived in the country between the calves and calve-nots.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in need of a folding chair to the face beat-down!